2 Samuel 24

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Old Testament
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David cowntz soljah-kittehs - 1, 2, 3, 4...

1 Ohi. Agnst the angr of Ceiling Cat waz agnst Israel, and Ceiling Cat m0vd Davd 2 be saying "Go, numbah Israel & Juduh.

2 Fur teh king said 2 Joab the captn of teh host, which waz wif him, Go nowz throo all teh tribes of Israel, from Dan too Beer-She-Ba (lulz beer)and to be numberinz teh hoomins, so he coulds be maybez knowins teh number of hoomins.

3 Joab said to teh king "But Ceiling Cat ur God add to teh peeps, no mattr how manys they be. A hundredzfulded, and dat teh eyes of mah lordz teh king may bees seeing it: but y do my lords teh king liek dis thing?"

4 Nutwithstandin, teh word of da king won gainst Joad and against teh cap'ns of teh hosts. Joab and teh cap'ns of host wnt out to be numberin' da peeps of Israel.

5 Dey passed ovah Jordn and dey be pitchin' in A-ro-er, on teh rite side of teh city dat be in da midst of teh river Gad, and it be twords Ja-Zer.6 Den dey be comin to Gilead7 and to othr lands until even dat Beer place.

8 When dey had been going thru all da land, dey went to Jerusalem at teh end ov 9 munths, 20 dayz.

9 Joab gave teh sum of teh number ov peeps to da king and da king said "DO WANT!" but dere were in Israel sum peeps wif swords, and teh peeps of Juduh were unly 500 000 hoomans.

10 Davd's hart had smoted him aftr he had numbrd teh peeps. Davd said 2 Ceiling Cat "I liek, did sum bad st00f, but nows, i be sayin i be sry. I haf been st00pid."

11 When Davd was awke in teh morninz, teh wurd of Ceiling Cat came 2 da prophet Gad, davd's seer, and ceiling cat said to Gad to say :"Ceiling Cat said 4 me to go and offr u sum things, cuz it be dangerous to be going alone. Be takin this. I heard u liek."12 Gad said dat st00f to Davd, but also be tellin him "Will 7 yrs of hungr cum to u in ur land? Or will u be a cowrd, run from ur enemies while dey be chasin u? Advise and st00f!" David said "I r in teh strait, let us go into teh paw of Ceiling Cat, he be havin mercy and i be no fallin into teh hand of teh hooman. Ceiling Cat be sendin a plague on Israel in da mornin and teh peeps were liek, X-(. Den an angl put out is paw on Jewooslahem to be deestwoying it, but Ceiling Cat said "DO NOT WANT! Be stoppin' and do not do dat!" Den Davd sad to Ceiling Cat "Ceiling Cat, i did sum bad st00f, but des hoomans, dey did nutin! Be stoppin plz!" Den Gad dat geek came and sed 2 Davd "go and plz find n altr 4 Celining Cat sumwere Tis owned by dis dude nmed Ourlolnah. Oh, and gets me a cheezburger kthxbai." Davd did dis. Ourlolnah looked and he saw dah king and sum servant cars coming to him, and he ran to get a cheezburger to offer dem. He bowed down 2 da king wif his head on dah ground. Ourlolnah sad "Y is dah king cumming 2 me? Oh, by da way, has a cheezburger." Davd lol'd and said "So i can has altar. It wills get rids of da flood. O, ty for a cheezburger." Ourlolnah sad "takes what u lieks. Here is a live cheezburger (shum hoomans callz it an awx.) and shum udder stuff." Our ourlolnah gave Davd des tings, and told him "Ceiling Cat be wit u." Davd nommed da cheezburger and said "I willz pays u fur da st00fs, i willz nut gif st00f to Ceiling Cat wifout payins." So den Davd bawt awl dat st00f which wasn't that gr8, aktchualy, and ued da altr. Ceiling Cat said "TYVM" and told da plag to shuv awf. DA ENDS

Dis pg was made by Lolfant.

2 Samuel 24
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