2 Samuel 19
From LOLCat Bible Translation Project
1 Joab wuz told, "teh king iz weepin an mournin 4 absalom."2 an 4 da whole army teh victory dat dai wuz turnd into mournin, cuz on dat dai teh troops herd it sed, "teh king iz grievin 4 his son."3 teh doodz stole into teh city dat dai as doodz steel in hoo r ashamd when they flee frum battle.4 teh king coverd his face an crid aloud, "o mah son absalom! O absalom, mah son, mah son!"5 den joab went into teh houz 2 teh king an sed, "todai u has humiliatd all ur doodz, hoo has jus savd ur life an teh livez ov ur sons an daughters an teh livez ov ur wivez an concubinez.6 u ♥ dose hoo hate u an hate dose hoo ♥ u. U has made it clear todai dat teh commanders an their doodz meen nothin 2 u. I c dat u wud be pleezd if absalom wuz aliv todai an all ov us wuz ded.7 nao go out an encourage ur doodz. I swear by teh lord dat if u doan go out, not man will be left wif u by nitefall. Dis will be worse 4 u than all teh calamitiez dat has come upon u frum ur youth till nao."8 so teh king got up an took his seat in da gateway. When teh doodz wuz told, "teh king iz sittin in da gateway," they all came before him.
David returns 2 jerusalem
9 Meanwhile, teh israelitez had fld 2 their homez. Throughout teh tribez ov israel, teh peeps wuz all arguin wif each othr, sayin, "teh king deliverd us frum teh hand ov r enemiez; he iz teh wan hoo rescud us frum teh hand ov teh filistinez. But nao he has fld teh country cuz ov absalom;10 an absalom, whom we anointd 2 rule ovar us, has did in battle. So y do u say nothin bout bringin teh king bak?"11 king david sent dis mesage 2 zadok an abiathar, teh priests: "ask teh elders ov judah, y shud u be teh last 2 brin teh king bak 2 his palace, since wut iz bean sed throughout israel has reachd teh king at his quarters?12 u r mah brothers, mah own flesh an blood. So y shud u be teh last 2 brin bak teh king?13 an say 2 amasa, r u not mah own flesh an blood? Cud ceilin cat deal wif me, be it evr so severely, if frum nao on u r not teh commandr ov mah army in place ov joab. "14 he won ovar teh hearts ov all teh doodz ov judah as though they wuz wan man. They sent werd 2 teh king, "return, u an all ur doodz."15 den teh king returnd an went as far as teh jordan. Nao teh doodz ov judah had come 2 gilgal 2 go out an meet teh king an brin him acros teh jordan.16 shimei son ov gera, teh benjamite frum bahurim, hurrid down wif teh doodz ov judah 2 meet king david.17 wif him wuz thousand benjamitez, along wif ziba, teh steward ov sauls haushold, an his fifteen sons an twenty servants. They rushd 2 teh jordan, wer teh king wuz.18 they crosd at teh ford 2 taek teh kings haushold ovar an 2 do whatevr he wishd. When shimei son ov gera crosd teh jordan, he fell prostrate before teh king19 an sed 2 him, "cud mah lord not hold me guilty. Do not remembr how ur servant did wrong on teh dai mah lord teh king left jerusalem. Cud teh king put it out ov his mind.20 4 i ur servant knoe dat i has sinnd, but todai i has come her as teh furst ov teh whole houz ov josef 2 come down an meet mah lord teh king."21 den abishai son ov zeruiah sed, "shouldnt shimei be put 2 death 4 dis? He cursd teh lordz anointd."22 david replid, "wut do u an i has in common, u sons ov zeruiah? Dis dai u has become mah adversariez! Shud anyone be put 2 death in israel todai? Do i not knoe dat todai im king ovar israel?"23 so teh king sed 2 shimei, "u shall not dye." an teh king promisd him on oath.24 mefibosheth, sauls grandson, also went down 2 meet teh king. He had not taken care ov his feet or trimmd his mustache or washd his clothez frum teh dai teh king left til teh dai he returnd safely.25 when he came frum jerusalem 2 meet teh king, teh king askd him, "y didnt u go wif me, mefibosheth?"26 he sed, "mah lord teh king, since i ur servant iz lame, i sed, im gonna has mah donkey saddld an will ride on it, so i can go wif teh king. But ziba mah servant betrayd me.27 an he has slanderd ur servant 2 mah lord teh king. Mah lord teh king iz liek an angel ov ceilin cat; so do whatevr pleasez u.28 all mah grandfathers descendants deservd nothin but death frum mah lord teh king, but u gaev ur servant place among dose hoo eat at ur table. So wut rite do i has 2 mak any moar appeals 2 teh king?"29 teh king sed 2 him, "y say moar? I ordr u an ziba 2 divide teh fieldz."30 mefibosheth sed 2 teh king, "let him taek evrythin, nao dat mah lord teh king has arrivd home safely."31 barzillai teh gileadite also came down frum rogelim 2 cros teh jordan wif teh king an 2 send him on his wai frum thar.32 nao barzillai wuz vry old man, eighty yeers ov age. He had providd 4 da king durin his stay in mahanaim, 4 he wuz vry wealthy man.33 teh king sed 2 barzillai, "cros ovar wif me an stay wif me in jerusalem, an im gonna provide 4 u."34 but barzillai anzwerd teh king, "how lotz da moar yeers will i liv, dat i shud go up 2 jerusalem wif teh king?35 im nao eighty yeers old. I can tell teh difference tween wut iz gud an wut iz not? Can ur servant taste wut he eats an drinx? I can still hear teh voicez ov doodz an women singers? Y shud ur servant be an addd burden 2 mah lord teh king?36 ur servant will cros ovar teh jordan wif teh king 4 short distance, but y shud teh king reward me in dis wai?37 let ur servant return, dat i cud dye in mah own town near teh tomb ov mah fathr an mommy. But her iz ur servant kimham. Let him cros ovar wif mah lord teh king. Do 4 him whatevr pleasez u."38 teh king sed, "kimham shall cros ovar wif me, an im gonna do 4 him whatevr pleasez u. An anythin u desire frum me im gonna do 4 u."39 so all teh peeps crosd teh jordan, an den teh king crosd ovar. Teh king kisd barzillai an gaev him his blesin, an barzillai returnd 2 his home.40 when teh king crosd ovar 2 gilgal, kimham crosd wif him. All teh troops ov judah an half teh troops ov israel had taken teh king ovar.41 soon all teh doodz ov israel wuz comin 2 teh king an sayin 2 him, "y r brothers, teh doodz ov judah, steel teh king away an brin him an his haushold acros teh jordan, togethr wif all his doodz?"42 all teh doodz ov judah anzwerd teh doodz ov israel, "we did dis cuz teh king iz closely relatd 2 us. Y r u angry bout it? Has we eaten any ov teh kings provishuns? Has we taken anythin 4 ourselvez?"43 den teh doodz ov israel anzwerd teh doodz ov judah, "we has 10 sharez in da king; an besidez, we has greatr claim on david than u has. So y do u treat us wif contempt? Wuz we not teh furst 2 speek ov bringin bak r king?" But teh doodz ov judah respondd even moar harshly than teh doodz ov israel.
|“2 Samuel 19”|
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