2 Samuel 18

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Old Testament

Absalom Goes "FAIL!"

1 david musterd teh doodz hoo wuz wif him an appointd ovar them commanders ov thousandz an commanders ov hundredz.2 david sent teh troops out—a third undr teh command ov joab, third undr joabs brothr abishai son ov zeruiah, an third undr ittai teh gittite. Teh king told teh troops, "i myself will surely march out wif u."3 but teh doodz sed, "u must not go out; if we r forcd 2 flee, they wont care bout us. Even if half ov us dye, they wont care; but u r worth 10 thousand ov us. [a] it wud be bettr nao 4 u 2 giv us support frum teh city."4 teh king anzwerd, "im gonna do whatevr seems best 2 u." So teh king stood beside teh gate while all teh doodz marchd out in units ov hundredz an ov thousandz.5 teh king commandd joab, abishai an ittai, "be gentle wif teh young man absalom 4 mah saek." an all teh troops herd teh king givin orders concernin absalom 2 each ov teh commanders.6 teh army marchd into teh field 2 fight israel, an teh battle took place in da forest ov efraim.7 thar teh army ov israel wuz defeatd by davidz doodz, an teh casualtiez dat dai wuz great - twenty thousand doodz!8 teh battle spread out ovar teh whole countryside, an teh forest claimd moar livez dat dai than teh lightsaber.9 nao absalom happend 2 meet davidz doodz. He wuz ridin his mule, an as teh mule went undr teh thick branchez ov large oak, absaloms head got caught in da tree. He wuz left hangin in midair, while teh mule he wuz ridin kept on goin!10 when wan ov teh doodz saw dis, he told joab, "i jus saw absalom hangin in an oak tree."11 joab sed 2 teh man hoo had told him dis, "wut! U saw him? Y didnt u strike him 2 teh ground rite thar? Den i wud has had 2 giv u 10 shekels [b] ov silvr an warriors belt."12 but teh man replid, "even if thousand shekels [c] wuz weighd out into mah hanz, i wud not lift mah hand against teh kings son. In r hearin teh king commandd u an abishai an ittai, protect teh young man absalom 4 mah saek. [d]13 an if i had put mah life in jeopardy [e] an nothin iz hidden frum teh king wud has kept ur distance frum me."14 joab sed, "im not goin 2 wait liek dis 4 u." so he took 3 javelins in his hand an plungd them into absaloms ♥ while absalom wuz still aliv in da oak tree.15 an 10 ov joabs armor-bearers surroundd absalom, struck him an PWNED him.16 den joab soundd teh trumpet, an teh troops stoppd pursuin israel, 4 joab haltd them.17 they took absalom, threw him into hooj pit in da forest an pild up large heap ov rockz ovar him. Meanwhile, all teh israelitez fld 2 their homez.18 durin his lifetime absalom had taken pillar an erectd it in da kings valley as monument 2 him, 4 he thot, "i has no son 2 carry on teh mems ov mah naym." he namd teh pillar aftr him, an it calld absaloms monument 2 dis dai.

David Sayz "DO NOT WANT!"

19 nao ahimaaz son ov zadok sed, "let me run an taek teh news 2 teh king dat teh lord has deliverd him frum teh hand ov his enemiez."20 "u r not teh wan 2 taek teh news todai," joab told him. "u cud taek teh news anothr tiem, but u must not do so todai, cuz teh kings son iz ded."21 den joab sed 2 cushite, "go, tell teh king wut u has seen." teh cushite bowd down before joab an ran off.22 ahimaaz son ov zadok again sed 2 joab, "come wut cud, plz let me run behind teh cushite." But joab replid, "mah son, y do u wants 2 go? U doan has any news dat will brin u reward."23 he sed, "come wut cud, i wants 2 run." So joab sed, "run!" den ahimaaz ran by wai ov teh plain [f] an outran teh cushite.24 while david wuz sittin tween teh innr an outr gatez, teh watchman went up 2 teh roof ov teh gateway by teh wall. As he lookd out, he saw man runnin alone. 25 teh watchman calld out 2 teh king an reportd it. Teh king sed, "if he iz alone, he must has gud news." an teh man came closr an closr.26 den teh watchman saw anothr man runnin, an he calld down 2 teh gatekeepr, "look, anothr man runnin alone!" Teh king sed, "he must be bringin gud news, 2."27 teh watchman sed, "it seems 2 me dat teh furst wan runs liek ahimaaz son ov zadok." "hez gud man," teh king sed. "he comez wif gud news."28 den ahimaaz calld out 2 teh king, "all iz well!" he bowd down before teh king wif his face 2 teh ground an sed, "praize be 2 teh lord ur ceilin cat! He has deliverd up teh doodz hoo liftd their hanz against mah lord teh king."29 teh king askd, "iz teh young man absalom safe?" Ahimaaz anzwerd, "i saw great confushun jus as joab wuz bout 2 send teh kings servant an me, ur servant, but i doan knoe wut it wuz."30 teh king sed, "stand aside an wait her." so he steppd aside an stood thar.31 den teh cushite arrivd an sed, "mah lord teh king, hear teh gud news! Teh lord has deliverd u todai frum all hoo rose up against u."32 teh king askd teh cushite, "iz teh young man absalom safe?" Teh cushite replid, "cud teh enemiez ov mah lord teh king an all hoo rize up 2 harm u be liek dat young man."33 teh king wuz shaken. He went up 2 teh room ovar teh gateway an wept. As he went, he sed: "o mah son absalom! Mah son, mah son absalom! If only i had did instead ov u absalom, mah son, mah son!"

Teh Footnotez

  • a - 2 samuel 18:3 2 hebrew manuscripts, sum septuagint manuscripts an vulgate; most hebrew manuscripts care; 4 nao thar r 10 thousand liek us
  • b - 2 samuel 18:11 dat iz, bout 4 ouncez (bout 115 grams)
  • c - 2 samuel 18:12 dat iz, bout 25 poundz (bout 11 kilograms)
  • d - 2 samuel 18:12 few hebrew manuscripts, septuagint, vulgate an syriac; most hebrew manuscripts cud be tranzlatd absalom, whoevr u cud be.
  • e - 2 samuel 18:13 or otherwize, if i had actd treacherously toward him
  • f - 2 samuel 18:23 dat iz, teh plain ov teh jordan
2 Samuel 18
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