2 Samuel 17
From LOLCat Bible Translation Project
1 ahithofel sed 2 absalom, "i wud [a] choose twelve thousand doodz an set out tonite in pursuit ov david.2 i wud [b] attack him while he iz weary an weak. I wud [c] strike him wif terror, an den all teh peeps wif him will flee. I wud [d] strike down only teh king3 an brin all teh peeps bak 2 u. Teh death ov teh man u seek will meen teh return ov all; all teh peeps will be unharmd."4 dis plan seemd gud 2 absalom an 2 all teh elders ov israel.5 but absalom sed, "summon also hushai teh arkite, so we can hear wut he has 2 say."6 when hushai came 2 him, absalom sed, "ahithofel has given dis advice. Shud we do wut he sez? If not, giv us ur opinion."7 hushai replid 2 absalom, "teh advice ahithofel has given iz not gud dis tiem.8 u knoe ur fathr an his doodz; they r fighters, an as fierce as wild bear robbd ov her cubs. Besidez, ur fathr iz an experiencd fightr; he will not spend teh nite wif teh troops.9 even nao, he iz hidden in cave or sum othr place. If he shud attack ur troops furst, [e] whoevr hears bout it will say, thar has been slaughtr among teh troops hoo follow absalom.10 den even teh bravest soldir, whose hart iz liek teh hart ov lion, will melt wif fear, 4 all israel knows dat ur fathr iz fightr an dat dose wif him r brave.11 "so i advize u: let all israel, frum dan 2 beersheba as numerous as teh sand on teh seashore be gatherd 2 u, wif u yourself leadin them into battle.12 den we will attack him wherevr he cud be findz, an we will fall on him as dew settlez on teh ground. Neithr he nor any ov his doodz will be left aliv.13 if he withdraws into city, den all israel will brin ropez 2 dat city, an we will drag it down 2 teh valley til not even piece ov it can be findz."14 absalom an all teh doodz ov israel sed, "teh advice ov hushai teh arkite iz bettr than dat ov ahithofel." 4 da lord had determind 2 frustrate teh gud advice ov ahithofel in ordr 2 brin disastr on absalom.15 hushai told zadok an abiathar, teh priests, "ahithofel has advisd absalom an teh elders ov israel 2 do such an such, but i has advisd them 2 do so an so.16 nao send mesage immediately an tell david, do not spend teh nite at teh fordz in da desert; cros ovar without fail, or teh king an all teh peeps wif him will be swallowd up. "17 jonathan an ahimaaz wuz stayin at en rogel. Servant gurl wuz 2 go an inform them, an they wuz 2 go an tell king david, 4 they cud not risk bean seen enterin teh city.18 but young man saw them an told absalom. So teh 2 ov them left quickly an went 2 teh houz ov man in bahurim. He had well in his courtyard, an they climbd down into it.19 his wife took coverin an spread it out ovar teh openin ov teh well an scatterd grain ovar it. No wan knew anythin bout it.20 when absaloms doodz came 2 teh woman at teh houz, they askd, "wer r ahimaaz an jonathan?" Teh woman anzwerd them, "they crosd ovar teh brook." [f] teh doodz searchd but findz no wan, so they returnd 2 jerusalem.21 aftr teh doodz had gone, teh 2 climbd out ov teh well an went 2 inform king david. They sed 2 him, "set out an cros teh rivr at once; ahithofel has advisd such an such against u."22 so david an all teh peeps wif him set out an crosd teh jordan. By daibreak, no wan wuz left hoo had not crosd teh jordan.23 when ahithofel saw dat his advice had not been followd, he saddld his donkey an set out 4 his houz in his hometown. He put his houz in ordr an den hangd him. So he did an wuz burid in his fathers tomb.24 david went 2 mahanaim, an absalom crosd teh jordan wif all teh doodz ov israel.25 absalom had appointd amasa ovar teh army in place ov joab. Amasa wuz teh son ov man namd jethr, [g] an israelite [h] hoo had marrid abigail, [i] teh daughtr ov nahash an sistr ov zeruiah teh mommy ov joab.26 teh israelitez an absalom campd in da land ov gilead.27 when david came 2 mahanaim, shobi son ov nahash frum rabbah ov teh ammonitez, an makir son ov ammiel frum lo debar, an barzillai teh gileadite frum rogelim28 brought beddin an bowls an articlez ov pottery. They also brought wheat an barley, flour an roastd grain, beanz an lentils, [j]29 honey an curdz, sheep, an cheez frum cows milk 4 david an his peeps 2 eat. 4 they sed, "teh peeps has become hungry an tird an thirsty in da desert."
- a - 2 samuel 17:1 or let me
- b - 2 samuel 17:2 or will
- c - 2 samuel 17:2 or will
- d - 2 samuel 17:2 or will
- e - 2 samuel 17:9 or when sum ov teh doodz fall at teh furst attack
- f - 2 samuel 17:20 or "they pasd by teh sheep pen toward teh watr."
- g - 2 samuel 17:25 hebrew ithra , variant ov jethr
- h - 2 samuel 17:25 hebrew an sum septuagint manuscripts; othr septuagint manuscripts (c also 1 chron. 2:17) ishmaelite or jezreelite
- i - 2 samuel 17:25 hebrew abigal , variant ov abigail
- j - 2 samuel 17:28 most septuagint manuscripts an syriac; hebrew lentils, an roastd grain
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