2 Samuel 16
From LOLCat Bible Translation Project
David and Ziba: PWNZORS in Arms
1 when david had gone short distance beyond teh summit, thar wuz ziba, teh steward ov mefibosheth, waitin 2 meet him. He had strin ov donkeys saddld an loadd wif 2 hundrd loavez ov bread, hundrd cakez ov raisins, hundrd cakez ov figs an skin ov wine.2 teh king askd ziba, "y has u brought thees?" Ziba anzwerd, "teh donkeys r 4 da kings haushold 2 ride on, teh bread an fruit r 4 da doodz 2 eat, an teh wine iz 2 refresh dose hoo become exhaustd in da desert."3 teh king den askd, "wer iz ur mastahs grandson?" Ziba sed 2 him, "he iz stayin in jerusalem, cuz he thinkz, todai teh houz ov israel will gimie bak mah grandfathers kingdom. "4 den teh king sed 2 ziba, "all dat belongd 2 mefibosheth iz nao yours." "i humbly bow," ziba sed. "i can find favor in ur eyez, mah lord teh king."
Shimei cursez david
5 as king david approachd bahurim, man frum teh same clan as sauls pplz came out frum thar. His naym wuz shimei son ov gera, an he cursd as he came out.6 he peltd david an all teh kings officials wif stonez, though all teh troops an teh speshul guard wuz on davidz rite an left.7 as he cursd, shimei sed, "git out, git out, u man ov blood, u scoundrel!8 teh lord has repaid u 4 all teh blood u shd in da haushold ov saul, in whose place u has reignd. Teh lord has handd teh kingdom ovar 2 ur son absalom. U has come 2 ruin cuz u r man ov blood!"9 den abishai son ov zeruiah sed 2 teh king, "y shud dis ded dawg curse mah lord teh king? Let me go ovar an cut off his head."10 but teh king sed, "wut do u an i has in common, u sons ov zeruiah? If he iz cursin cuz teh lord sed 2 him, curse david, hoo can ask, y do u do dis? "11 david den sed 2 abishai an all his officials, "mah son, hoo iz ov mah own flesh, iz tryin 2 taek mah life. How mutch moar, den, dis benjamite! Leef him alone; let him curse, 4 da lord has told him 2.12 it cud be dat teh lord will c mah distres an repay me wif gud 4 da cursin im receivin todai."13 so david an his doodz continud along teh road while shimei wuz goin along teh hillside opposiet him, cursin as he went an throwin stonez at him an showerin him wif dirt.14 teh king an all teh peeps wif him arrivd at their destinashun exhaustd. An thar he refreshd him.
Teh advice ov hushai an ahithofel
15 meanwhile, absalom an all teh doodz ov israel came 2 jerusalem, an ahithofel wuz wif him.16 den hushai teh arkite, davidz frend, went 2 absalom an sed 2 him, "long liv teh king! Long liv teh king!"17 absalom askd hushai, "iz dis teh luv u show ur frend? Y didnt u go wif ur frend?"18 hushai sed 2 absalom, "no, teh wan chosen by teh lord, by thees peeps, an by all teh doodz ov israelâ€”his im gonna be, an im gonna remain wif him.19 furthermore, whom shud i serve? Shud i not serve teh son? Jus as i servd ur fathr, so im gonna serve u."20 absalom sed 2 ahithofel, "giv us ur advice. Wut shud we do?"21 ahithofel anzwerd, "lie wif ur fathers concubinez whom he left 2 taek care ov teh palace. Den all israel will hear dat u has made yourself stench in ur fathers nostrils, an teh hanz ov evryone wif u will be strengthend."22 so they pitchd tent 4 absalom on teh roof, an he lay wif his fathers concubinez in da sight ov all israel.23 nao in dose dais teh advice ahithofel gaev wuz liek dat ov wan hoo inquirez ov ceilin cat. Dat wuz how both david an absalom regardd all ov ahithofels advice.
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