2 Samuel 13
From LOLCat Bible Translation Project
♥♥♥Amnon and Tamar: A Luvz Storee♥♥♥
1 in da course ov tiem, Amnon son ov David fel in luv wif Tamar, teh beautiful sistr ov Absalom son ov David, and Amnon ♥ed Tamar very much.2 Amnon becaem frustratd to teh point ov sik on akownt ov his sistr Tamar, for she wuz virginn, an it seemd imposibel foar him to do NEting to her.
3 nao Amnon had frend namd Jonadab son ov Shimeah, Davids brovr. Jonadab wuz vry shrewd man. srsly. for he askd Amnon, "y do u, teh kings son, look so haggard mornin aftr mornin? wont u tell meh?" Amnon sed to him, "im in luv wif Tamar, mah brothr Absaloms sistr."5 "go to bed an pretend to has sik," Jonadab sed. "when ur fathr comez to c u, say to him, i wud liek mah sistr Tamar to come an gimie sumthin to nom. let her prepare teh fud in mah site so i can has watch her an has nom frum her hand. "
6 so Amnon lay down an pretendd to has sik. wen teh king came to c him, Amnon sed to him, "i wud liek mah sistr Tamar to come an maek sum speshul bredd in mah site, so i can has nom frum her hand."7 David sended werd to Tamar at teh palace: "go to teh houz ov ur brovr Amnon an maek sum fud for him."
8 so Tamar went to teh houz ov her brovr Amnon, hoo wuz lyin down. she took sum doe, neaded it, maed teh bred in his site an bakd it.9 den she took teh pan an servd him teh bred, but he refusd to nom. "send evryone out ov her," Amnon sed. so evryone gtfo.
10 den Amnon sed to Tamar, "brin teh fud her into mah bedrum so i can has nom frum ur hand." an Tamar took teh bred her had maekd an brought it to her brovr Amnon in his bedrum.11 but when she took it to him to nom, he grabbd her an sed, "I ♥ u. plz come to bed wif me. plz?"
12 "NO!1!" she sed. "ur my brother. dont foarse me to koem to bed with u. such ting shud not be dun in israel! dont do dis wickd ting!13 wut bout meh? wer cud i git rid ov mah disgrace? an wut bout u? u wud be liek wan ov teh wickd fools in israel. plz speek to teh king; he will not keep me frum bean marrid to u."14 but he refusd to listen to her, an since he wuz strongr than her (cuz he was a boi), he rapd her ZOMG.
15 den Amnon hatd her wif intense hatrd. in fact, he hatd her moar than he had lovd her. Amnon sed to her, "git up an GTFO!!1!!"16 "no!" she sed to him. "sendin meh awai wud be greatr wrong than wut u already has dun to meh." but he refusd to listn to her.
17 he callded his pursonal survant an sed, "git dis woman out ov her an bolt teh door aftr her."18 so his servant putted her owt an boltd teh door aftr her. her wuz wearin richly ornamentd bling [a] robe, for dis wuz teh kind ov garment teh virgin daughters ov teh king wored.
19 Tamar put ashez on her head an toar teh ornamentd bling [b] robe she wuz wearin. she putd her hand on her head an went away, weepin aloud as she went.20 her brothr Absalom sed to her, "has dat Amnon, ur brothr, been wif u? be quiet nao, mah sistr; he iz ur brothr. doan taek dis ting to ♥." an Tamar livd in her brothr Absaloms houz, desolat woman.
Absalom PWNZ Amnon
23 Too yeers latr, when Absaloms sheepshearers wuz at baal hazor near teh bordr ov efraim, he invitd all teh kings sons to come thar.24 Absalom went to teh king an sed, "ur servant he has had shearers come. will teh king an his ofishulls plz join meh?"
25 "no, mah son," teh king replid. "all ov us shud not go; we wud only be burden to u." although Absalom sed plz, he still refusd to go, but gaev him his cheeseburgerz.
28 Absalom orderd his doods, "listen! wen Amnon iz in high spirits frum drinkin wine an i say to u, strike Amnon down, den go all Mace Windu on his ass and PWN him. doan be afraid. has not i given u dis ordr? b strong an braev. like teh Jedi."
29 so Absaloms doods did to Amnon wut Absalom had sed. den all teh kings sons got up, mountd their mulez an fld.
30 while they wuz on their wai, teh report came to david: "Absalom has struck down all teh kings sons; not wan ov them iz left."31 teh king's ♥ broke! he stood up, tore his clothez an lay down on teh ground! an all his survants stood bai wif their clothez torn! srsly.
32 but Jonadab son ov Shimeah, Davidz brovr, sed, "mah lord shud not finkz dat they killd all teh princez; only Amnon iz teh ded. dis has been Absaloms expresd intenshun evr since teh dai Amnon rapd his sistr Tamar ffs.33 mah lord teh king shud not be concernd bout teh report dat all teh kings sons r ded. only amnon iz teh ded."
34 meanwile, Absalom had fld. nao teh dood standin watch lookd up an saw lotz da peeps on teh road west ov him, comin down teh side ov teh hill. teh watchdood went an tolded teh king, "i c doodz in da direcshun ov horonaim, on teh side ov teh hill." [c]35 Jonadab sed to teh king, "c, teh kings sons r her; it has happend jus as ur servant sed."
36 as he finishd speakin, teh kings sons came in, wailin loudly. teh king, too, an all his servants wept vry bitterly. srsly.37 Absalom fld an went to Talmai son ov Ammihud, teh king ov geshur. but king David mournd foar him son evry dai.
38 aftr Absalom fld an went to geshur, he stayd thar free yeers. thirtee-nein an teh spirit ov teh king [d] longd to go to Absalom, for he wuz has consold concernin teh Amnons death.
- a - 2 samuel 13:18 teh meanin ov teh hebrew 4 dis frase iz uncertain.
- b - 2 samuel 13:19 teh meanin ov teh hebrew 4 dis werd iz uncertain.
- c -2 samuel 13:34 septuagint; hebrew doez not has dis sentence.
- d - 2 samuel 13:39 ded sea scrolls an sum septuagint manuscripts; masoretic text but teh spirit ov david teh king
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