2 Samuel 12
From LOLCat Bible Translation Project
Nathan Disses David
1 teh lord sent nathan 2 david. When he came 2 him, he sed, "thar wuz 2 doodz in certain town, wan rich an teh othr poor.2 teh rich man had vry large numbr ov sheep an kattle,3 but teh poor man had nothin except wan lil ewe lamb he had buyd. He raisd it, an it grew up wif him an his children. It shard his fud, drank frum his cup an even slept in his arms. It wuz liek daughtr 2 him.
4 "nao travelr came 2 teh rich man, but teh rich man refraind frum takin wan ov his own sheep or kattle 2 prepare meal 4 da travelr hoo had come 2 him. Instead, he took teh ewe lamb dat belongd 2 teh poor man an prepard it 4 da wan hoo had come 2 him."
7 den nathan sed 2 david, "u r teh man! Dis ar teh wut teh lord, teh ceilin cat ov israel, sez: i anointd u king ovar israel, an i deliverd u frum teh hand ov saul.8 i gaev ur mastahs houz 2 u, an ur mastahs wivez into ur arms. I gaev u teh houz ov israel an judah. An if all dis had been 2 lil, i wud has given u even moar.9 y u despize teh werd ov teh lord by doin wut iz evil in his eyez? U struck down uriah teh hittite wif teh sword an took his wife 2 be ur own. U killd him wif teh sword ov teh ammonitez.10 nao, therefore, teh sword will nevr depart frum ur houz, cuz u despisd me an took teh wife ov uriah teh hittite 2 be ur own.
11 "dis ar teh wut teh lord sez: out ov ur own haushold im goin 2 brin calamity upon u. Before ur vry eyez im gonna taek ur wivez an giv them 2 wan hoo iz close 2 u, an he will lie wif ur wivez in broad dailight.12 u did it in seekret, but im gonna do dis ting in broad dailight before all israel. "
13 den david sed 2 nathan, "i has sinnd against teh lord." Nathan replid, "teh lord has taken away ur sin. U r not goin 2 dye.14 but cuz by doin dis u has made teh enemiez ov teh lord show uttr contempt, [a] teh son born 2 u will dye."
15 aftr nathan had gone home, teh lord struck teh child dat uriahs wife had borne 2 david, an he became ill.16 david pleadd wif ceilin cat 4 da child. He fastd an went into his houz an spent teh nitez lyin on teh ground.17 teh elders ov his haushold stood beside him 2 git him up frum teh ground, but he refusd, an he wud not eat any fud wif them.18 on teh seventh dai teh child did. Davidz servants wuz afraid 2 tell him dat teh child wuz ded, 4 they thot, "while teh child wuz still livin, we spoke 2 david but he wud not listen 2 us. How can we tell him teh child iz ded? He cud do somethin desperate."
19 david noticd dat his servants wuz whisperin among themselvez an he realizd teh child wuz ded. "iz teh child ded?" he askd."yez," they replid, "he iz ded."
20 den david got up frum teh ground. Aftr he had washd, put on loshuns an changd his clothez, he went into teh houz ov teh lord an worshipd. Den he went 2 his own houz, an at his request they servd him fud, an he eatd.
21 his servants askd him, "y r u actin dis wai? While teh child wuz aliv, u fastd an wept, but nao dat teh child iz ded, u git up an eat!"22 he anzwerd, "while teh child wuz still aliv, i fastd an wept. I thot, hoo knows? Teh lord cud be grashus 2 me an let teh child liv.23 but nao dat he iz ded, y shud i fast? I can brin him bak again? Im gonna go 2 him, but he will not return 2 me."
24 den david comfortd his wife bafsheba, an he went 2 her and did PENIS GOES WHERE? with her. She gaev birf 2 son, an they namd him solomon. Teh lord ♥ed him;25 an cuz teh lord lovd him, he sent werd thru nathan teh profet 2 naym him jedidiah. [b]26 meanwhile joab fought against rabbah ov teh ammonitez an capturd teh royal citadel.
27 joab den sent mesengers 2 david, sayin, "i has fought against rabbah an taken itz watr supply.28 nao mustr teh rest ov teh troops an besiege teh city an capchur it. Otherwize im gonna taek teh city, an it will be namd aftr me."
29 so david musterd teh entire army an went 2 rabbah, an attackd an capturd it.30 he took teh crown frum teh head ov their king [c] ”itz weight wuz talent [d] ov gold, an it wuz set wif preshus stonez an it wuz placd on davidz head. He took great quantity ov plundr frum teh city31 an brought out teh peeps hoo wuz thar, consignin them 2 labor wif saws an wif iron pickz an axez, an he made them werk at brickmakin. [e] he did dis 2 all teh ammonite towns. Den david an his entire army returnd 2 jerusalem.
- a - 2 samuel 12:14 masoretic text; an ancient hebrew scribal tradishun dis u has shown uttr contempt 4 da lord
- b - 2 samuel 12:25 jedidiah meanz lovd by teh lord.
- c - 2 samuel 12:30 or ov milcom (dat iz, molech)
- d - 2 samuel 12:30 dat iz, bout 75 poundz (bout 34 kilograms)
- e - 2 samuel 12:31 teh meanin ov teh hebrew 4 dis clause iz uncertain.
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