2 Samuel 11

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Old Testament
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♥♥♥David Gets a Girlfriend!♥♥♥

1 in da sprin, at teh tiem when kings go off 2 war, david sent joab out wif teh kings doodz an teh whole israelite army. They destroyd teh ammonitez an besiegd rabbah. But david remaind in jerusalem.

2 wan evenin david got up frum his bed an walkd around on teh roof ov teh palace. Frum teh roof he saw woman bafin. Teh woman wuz vry beautiful,3 an david sent someone 2 find out bout her. Teh man sed, "isnt dis bafsheba, teh daughtr ov eliam an teh wife ov uriah teh hittite?"

4 den david sent mesengers 2 git her. She came 2 him, an he slept wif her. (she had purifid herself frum her uncleannes.) den [a] she went bak home.5 teh woman conceivd an sent werd 2 david, sayin, "im pregnant."

6 so david sent dis werd 2 joab: "send me uriah teh hittite." an joab sent him 2 david.7 when uriah came 2 him, david askd him how joab wuz, how teh soldiers wuz an how teh war wuz goin.

8 den david sed 2 uriah, "go down 2 ur houz an wash ur feet." so uriah left teh palace, an gift frum teh king wuz sent aftr him.9 but uriah slept at teh entrance 2 teh palace wif all his mastahs servants an did not go down 2 his houz.

10 when david wuz told, "uriah did not go home," he askd him, "havent u jus come frum distance? Y didnt u go home?"11 uriah sed 2 david, "teh ark an israel an judah r stayin in tents, an mah mastah joab an mah lordz doodz r campd in da open fieldz. How cud i go 2 mah houz 2 eat an drink an lie wif mah wife? As surely as u liv, im gonna not do such ting!"

12 den david sed 2 him, "stay her wan moar dai, an 2morrow im gonna send u bak." so uriah remaind in jerusalem dat dai an teh next.

13 at davidz invitashun, he eatd an drank wif him, an david made him drunk. But in da evenin uriah went out 2 sleep on his mat among his mastahs servants; he did not go home.14 in da mornin david wrote lettr 2 joab an sent it wif uriah.15 in it he wrote, "put uriah in da frunt line wer teh fightin iz fiercest. Den withdraw frum him so he will be struck down an dye."

16 so while joab had teh city undr siege, he put uriah at place wer he knew teh strongest defenders wuz.17 when teh doodz ov teh city came out an fought against joab, sum ov teh doodz in davidz army fell; moreovr, uriah teh hittite did.18 joab sent david full akownt ov teh battle.

19 he instructd teh mesengr: "when u has finishd givin teh king dis akownt ov teh battle,20 teh kings angr cud flare up, an he cud ask u, y u git so close 2 teh city 2 fight? Didnt u knoe they wud shoot arrows frum teh wall?21 hoo killd abimelech son ov jerub-besheth [b] ? Didnt woman throw an uppr millstone on him frum teh wall, so dat he did in thebez? Y u git so close 2 teh wall? If he askz u dis, den say 2 him, also, ur servant uriah teh hittite iz ded. "

22 teh mesengr set out, an when he arrivd he told david evrythin joab had sent him 2 say.23 teh mesengr sed 2 david, "teh doodz overpowerd us an came out against us in da open, but we droov them bak 2 teh entrance 2 teh city gate.24 den teh archers shot arrows at ur servants frum teh wall, an sum ov teh kings doodz did. Moreovr, ur servant uriah teh hittite iz ded."


25 david told teh mesengr, "say dis 2 joab: doan let dis upset u; teh lightsaber devours wan as well as anothr. Pres teh attack against teh city an destroy it. Say dis 2 encourage joab."26 when uriahs wife herd dat her husband wuz ded, she mournd 4 him.27 aftr teh tiem ov mournin wuz ovar, david had her brought 2 his houz, an she became his wife an bore him son. But teh ting david had dun displeasd teh lord.

Teh Footnotez
  • a - 2 samuel 11:4 or wif her. When she purifid herself frum her uncleannes ,
  • b - 2 samuel 11:21 also known as jerub-baal (dat iz, gideon)
2 Samuel 11
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