2 Samuel 1

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Old Testament
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1 K so Saul iz teh dedd. An David iz leik totaly pwning teh Amalekites, an den he comz bak an stayz too dayz in Ziklag.2 An itz day tree, an ZOMG!!1! iz nekkid gai comin from Sauls camp. Allmos nekkid, cloze all tore n stuf. He can has dirt on his hedz, why he do dat? An he fallz down in front of David, an is leik, "David u r full of win!!1!1! an awsum!1!"3 An David is leik, "WTF??!? Wher u com from, d00d??" An he sez, I totaly ecskaped from teh Israel camp lolz.4 An David sez, Wut is teh hapz over dere? An teh neekid guy sez, D00d, iz lotsa peepuls is runned away, also lots is deedd. Saulz iz teh dedd, an his kid Jonathan too. It is teh suxx0r1!!1!5 An David is leik, How u noze dis?6 An teh nekkid guy sez, "K so Iz in Mount Gilboa, watchin ur battelz.7 An ZOMG!1!! I seez Saul, leenin on his speer. An iz lotsa guyz chasin him.8 An hes leik, Who r u, an Iz leik, I r Amalkaleit.9 An hes leik, D00d, u gotta kill me. Srsly. Iz not wanting to live no moor, it iz to suxx.10 So I tottaly killded him!!!1!1 Cuz he woodint b havin no cheezburgers newae after he wazent kign no moar. An I got hiz crown and dis bracelet wut he wuz warin, lolz. U can totaly haz dem, David."

11 Den David is teerin of his cloze, an all hiz d00dz to.12 An dey was crine cuz Saul an his kid got killded in teh fite, an dey wouldn't haz no foodz dey wuz to sad, not even cheezburgers.13 David sez to teh Akmakalit gai, "Ware u frum agin?" An he sez, "Iz a immigant."14 An David is leik, "U tottaly shd of thot twize about killin Saul, cuz he waz teh king wit teh anointing an stuf."15 An David gotz one of hiz d00dz to smoted on teh Almallikit gai. An he watz smoted till hez dedd.16 An David sez, "D00d, u watz totaly aksin for it, lolz."

17 An David maded Saul an hiz kid a sad song18 (also he tolded peeps dey shd lern to play it, for realz, itz in a book, u cd look it up), an he sanged it:

 19 Israel, ur bestest kittehs r teh dedz! Ur strong kittehs is falld!!1!1!

 20 U shd tottaly not talkk about it, tho, k? Srsly. Less u wantz teh Philistines to hatz teh happiez bout it.

 21 Rain??!? Gilboa Mountain DOES NOT WANT!11!! Cuz datz ware Saul gotz killded, an his sheeld is tottaly jus lyin dere.

 22 Saul and Jonathan, dey watz tottaly good at fiteing, lolz. Dey cud take anybuddiez bukkit.

 23 Dey watz teh bestest to dere peeps. An dey watz rlly good at runnin an climbin n stuff.

 24 Saul gaved lotz of shiny cloze to teh Israel girls. OMG, dey better be crine about him nowz!11!!

 25 Teh strong kittehs is fallded, leik I sed!1!1! Dey shooda stade off teh montin, srsly dat wuz bad place 4 dem.

 26 Dis is teh suxxx0r!!11! Cuz I luvded Jonathan, but not leik in a gay way, tho he watz way kewler then ne chix.

 27 Teh strong kittehs is fallded!!1! FAIL!11!!

2 Samuel 1
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