From LOLCat Bible Translation Project
An nao it came 2 pas dat aftr I, Nefi, had made an end ov teachin mah brethren, Lehi Guy, also spaek lotz da things unto them, an rehearsd unto them, how great things Skycat had dun 4 them in bringin them out ov teh land ov no Chzburgrs. Srsly.
An he spaek unto them concernin their indiscretionz upon comfy sofa, an teh merciez ov ceilin cat in sparin their cookie and burgr rationz, dat they wud not spend night outside in cold. Do not want!!
Oh Yeh. An he also spaek unto them concernin teh land ov Chzburgrs, For he had valu meal vouchers for all the kittez – ZOMFG!! Skycat had been warnin us dat we shud lay offs eating fast fud, for it be making all the kittez fat.
Behold, sed he, I has seen vishun, in which I knoe dat local Fast Fud store close down; an had we remaind in house and can have no Chzbrgrs ever again. OMFG WTF!!
But, sed he, notwithstandin r afflicshuns, we has obtaind comfy sofa ov great promize, which iz choice aboov all othr places to sleepz; comy sofa which ceilin cat hath covenantd wif me shud the comfy sofa be taken by da male human householdrz. Yea, teh lord hath covenantd dis comfy sofa and abundant cookies unto me, an 2 mah kitenz forevr, an also all dose kittez hoo shud be led out ov othr less comfy sleepin places by teh hand ov teh Happy Cat.
Wherefore, I, Lehi Guy, profesy accordin 2 teh werkings ov teh spirit which iz in me, dat thar shall b no other kittez stealn my sleepin spot, for it shall be bring wrath from teh steel cap boots ov my male householdr. For he gets very angry wif teh other kittez. For he do not want other kittez on his sofa!
Wherefore, as dis comy sofa iz consecratd unto him, whom he shall share his lap wif? An if it so be dat they shall serve him accordin 2 teh commandments he hath given, it shall be a comfy sofa ov liberty; wherefore, they shall nevr be brought down to sleepin on the florz; an if so, it shall be cuz ov too many kittez on the sofa; 4 if iniquity shall abound cursd shall be teh comfy sofas 4 their sakez, but unto teh righteous it shall be comfy forevr.K!
An behold, it wisdom dat the comy sofa shud be kept as yet frum teh knowledge ov othr kittez; 4 behold, lotza othr kittez wud overrun teh comfy sofa, and thar wud be no place 4 our kittez to sleepz.
Wherefore, I, Lehi Guy, has obtaind promize, dat inasmuch as dose whom teh Lord Ceilin Cat shall brin out ov teh land ov da comy sofa shall keep his cushion, they shall prospr upon teh face ov dis land; an they shall be kept frum all othr kittez, dat they cud posess da comfy sofa unto themselvez. An if it so be dat they shall keep da male householderz rulz they shall be blesd upon teh face ov dis loungroom, an thar shall be none 2 taek away their sleepin spot; an they shall dwell safely wif electric heater on forever and ever. Srsly.
But behold, when teh tiem cometh dat the kittez must go outside to dig a hole 2 relieve their bladderz, aftr they has big saucer of milks -- havin knowledge ov teh earth, so the kittez can dig a big hole in back yardz is wai kewl. ZOMFG!
Frum teh creashun ov teh wurld; havin powr given them 2 do all things by diggin; havin all teh diggin skilz from teh beginnin, an havin been brought by his infinite goodnes into dis preshus soil ov promize -- behold, i say, if teh dai shall come dat they will reject sandpit, teh true mesiah, givz them a box of kitteh litter to do their poopz and weez.