2 Kings 9

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Old Testament


Jehu Bcums Top Cat n Israel

1 So! Elisha teh profet summond man frum the profets kitties an sed, "pull up ur pants, iz dangerous to go alone taek dis oil, an go ramoth gilead kthnks.2 u get thar, u look 4 jehu son ov jehoshafat son ov nimshi. Go him, an taek him from his peeps inseid to closet.3 den pour teh oil head an tell secret, dis ar wut Ceiling Cat sez: u now top cat ovar israel. Den open door an run away! Run away!"4 so kitteh profet go ramoth gilead.5 he get der an findz teh warkitties bein lazy. "i has a mesage, cmdr," he sed. "who 4?" askd jehu. "u, cmdr," he sed.6 jehu go wif into teh closet. Den kitteh profet fling teh oil on jehus head an declard, "dis ar wut teh lord, ceilin cat ov israel, sez: u nao b top cat ovar teh lordz kittez ov israel.7 teh hauz ov ahab ur mastah yo maek go boom, an im gonna avenge teh blood ov teh profets an teh all teh lordz peeps cause jezebel8 teh whole houz ov ahab go boom. Imma gonna make go boom evry kitteh ov ahab in israel slave or free.9 i gonna mak teh houz ov ahab liek teh houz ov jeroboam son ov nebat an liek teh houz ov baasha son ov ahijah, which az you know is bad.10 as 4 jezebel, goggies will be to eats her on teh plot ov ground at jezreel, an no get shubox for to bry" den he opend teh door an runded.11 jehu leave closet, an wan ov the warkittehs askd, "What happen? What kitteh say?" "u knoe teh kitteh profet, they all crazy talk," jehu sed.12 "u lai!" they sed, "tell us!" Jehu sed, "k fine, he said dis: teh lord sez u nao top cat ovar israel. "13 they were all zomg an took their pillos an spread them undr him on teh stairs. Den they blew teh horn an shoutd, "jehu iz top cat nao!"

Jehu PWNS joram an ahaziah

14 so jehu son ov jehoshafat, teh son ov nimshi, make black roflcopters gainst joram. (nao joram an israel be defendin ramoth gilead against hazael king ov aram,15 but joram [a] had returnd 2 jezreel 2 recovr frum teh woundz teh arameanz had inflictd on him in da battle wif hazael king ov aram.) jehu sed, "if dis ar teh teh wai u feelz, doan let anyone slip out ov teh city 2 go an tell teh news in jezreel."16 den he got into his invisible bike an rode 2 jezreel, cuz joram wuz restin thar an ahaziah king ov judah had gone down 2 c him.17 when teh lookout standin on teh towr in jezreel saw jehus troops approachin, he calld out, "i c sum troops comin." "git invisible bike kitteh," joram orderd. "send him 2 meet them an ask, do u has a peace? "18 teh invisible bike kitteh rode off 2 meet jehu an sed, "dis ar teh wut teh king sez: do u has a peace? " "why for you would has a peace?" jehu replid. "you come wif me nao." Teh lookout reportd, "teh kitteh has reachd them, he no com bak."19 so teh king sent out second invisible bike kitteh. When he came 2 them he sed, "dis ar teh wut teh king sez: do u has a peace? " Jehu replid, "why for you would has a peace? You also come wif me nao."20 teh lookout siad, "he has reachd them, but he no come bak neithr. Teh invisible biking iz liek jehu son ov nimshi, cuz he drivez liek crazy person!"21 "ready mai invisible bike," joram sed. An when it wuz redy, joram king ov israel an also ahaziah king ov judah rode out, each in his own invisible bike, 2 meet jehu. They met him at teh plot ov ground dat had belongd 2 naboth teh jezreelite (nao remember, ahab facestabbed that guy.)22 when joram saw jehu he askd, "u has a peace, jehu?" "how can anyone has a peace," jehu replid, "as long as all teh idolatry an witchcraft ov ur mommy jezebel abound?"23 joram turnd bout an run, callin out 2 ahaziah, "HE GONNA STAB US ALL!"24 den jehu drew his invisible bow an shot joram tween teh shoulders. Teh arrow piercd his hart an he slumpd down in his invisible bike.25 jehu sed 2 bidkar, his chariot officr, "pick him up an throw him on teh field dat belongd 2 naboth teh jezreelite. Remembr how u an i wuz ridin togethr in chariots behind ahab his fathr when teh lord made dis profecy bout him:26 yesturdai i saw teh blood ov naboth an teh blood ov his sons, declarez teh lord, an im gonna surely mak u pai 4 it on dis plot ov ground, declarez teh lord. [b] nao den, pick him up an throw him on dat plot, in accordance wif teh werd ov teh lord."27 when ahaziah king ov judah saw wut had happend, he fld up teh road 2 beth haggan. [c] jehu chasd him, shoutin, "kill him 2!" they woundd him in his chariot on teh wai up 2 gur near ibleam, but he escapd 2 megiddo an did thar.28 his servants took him by chariot 2 jerusalem an burid him wif his fathers in his tomb in da city ov david. 29 (in da eleventh yer ov joram son ov ahab, ahaziah had become king ov judah.)

Jezebel Gets PWNED

30 den jehu go 2 jezreel. When jezebel herd bout it, she put on pretty fase an peepd out window.31 as jehu go through gate, she askd, "has u come in peace, zimri teh facestabbr ov master?" [d]32 he lookd at teh window an calld out, "wher all mai peeps in the hizzous!" and some gaurdkitties lookd down at him.33 "throw her down!" jehu sed. So they threw her down, an she maed messi roadkill wen she get run over by car an ew.34 jehu went in an eatd an drank. "taek care ov dat cursd woman," he sed, "an get shoebox, 4 she wuz top catz daughtr."35 but when dey went out for 2 bury her, they findz nothin except her skull an her feet an her hanz an more ew.36 they told jehu, hoo sed, "dis ar teh teh werd ov teh lord dat he spoke thru his servant Elikhat teh tishkite: on teh yard ov ground at jezreel goggies will nom her. [e]37 jezebels body will be liek junkies on teh ground in da yard at jezreel, so dat no wan will be able 2 say, dis ar jezebel. "

Teh Footnotez

  • a - 2 kings 9:15 hebrew jehoram , variant ov joram ; also in versez 17 an 21-24
  • b - 2 kings 9:26 c 1 kings 21:19.
  • c - 2 kings 9:27 or fld by wai ov teh garden houz
  • d - 2 kings 9:31 or "did zimri has peace, hoo murderd his mastah?"
  • e - 2 kings 9:36 c 1 kings 21:23.
2 Kings 9
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