2 Kings 6

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Teh Axhead Floatz!

1 Teh proffitz sed 2 Elisha "Hay, ur hows iz too littul fur us.2 Letz go 2 Jordan, an bild a biggur hows." An Elisha sed "Go."

3 An wun of dem wuz liek "Iznt u gunna com wif us?" An Elisha sed "O, okai."4 So he goed wif dem. Dey goed to Jordan an startid cutin down trez.5 An wun of dem wuz cutin a tre, an teh aks fel in teh watur. An he wuz liek "OMG TEH AKS! OMG! I BOROD DAT AKS! O NOES! OMGWTFBBQ! DO NOT WANT!"

6 Elisha wuz liek "Were did it fal?" An he showd him, an Elisha cut a stik an throo it in teh watur an maed teh aks flot.7 An he sed "U get teh aks." An teh man pikt up teh aks.

Elisha PWNS Blinded Arameans

8 Nao, teh king of Aram wuz fytin wif Israel. An he disyded to camp in dis plaec.

9 Teh man of Ceiling Cat telld teh king of Israel "B caerfl wen u pas dat plaec, bcuz teh Arameanz ar dere."10 An so teh king of Israel chekt teh plaec. An Elisha warnd him lotz.

11 dis enragd teh king ov aram. He summond his officers an demandd ov them, "will u not tell me which ov us iz on teh side ov teh king ov israel?"12 "none ov us, mah lord teh king," sed wan ov his officers, "but elisha, teh profet hoo iz in israel, tells teh king ov israel teh vry werdz u speek in ur bedroom."13 "go, find out wer he iz," teh king orderd, "so i can send doodz an capchur him." teh report came bak: "he iz in dothan." 14 den he sent horsez an chariots an strong force thar. They went by nite an surroundd teh city.15 when teh servant ov teh man ov ceilin cat got up an went out early teh next mornin, an army wif horsez an chariots had surroundd teh city. "oh, mah lord, wut shall we do?" teh servant askd.16 "doan be afraid," teh profet anzwerd. "dose hoo r wif us r moar than dose hoo r wif them."17 an elisha prayd, "o lord, open his eyez so he cud c." den teh lord opend teh servants eyez, an he lookd an saw teh hills full ov horsez an chariots ov fire all around elisha.18 as teh enemy came down toward him, elisha prayd 2 teh lord, "strike thees peeps wif blindnes." so he struck them wif blindnes, as elisha had askd.19 elisha told them, "dis ar teh not teh road an dis ar teh not teh city. Follow me, an im gonna lead u 2 teh man u r lookin 4." an he led them 2 samaria.20 aftr they enterd teh city, elisha sed, "lord, open teh eyez ov thees doodz so they can c." den teh lord opend their eyez an they lookd, an thar they wuz, inside samaria.21 when teh king ov israel saw them, he askd elisha, "shall i kill them, mah fathr? Shall i kill them?"22 "do not kill them," he anzwerd. "wud u kill doodz u has capturd wif ur own lightsaber or blaster? Set fud an watr before them so dat they cud eat an drink an den go bak 2 their mastah."23 so he prepard great feast 4 them, an aftr they had finishd eatin an drinkin, he sent them away, an they returnd 2 their mastah. So teh bandz frum aram stoppd raidin israels territory.

Famine in besiegd samaria

24 sum tiem latr, ben-hadad king ov aram mobilizd his entire army an marchd up an laid siege 2 samaria.25 thar wuz great famine in da city; teh siege lastd so long dat donkeys head sold 4 eighty shekels [a] ov silvr, an quartr ov cab [b] ov sed podz [c] 4 5 shekels. [d]26 as teh king ov israel wuz pasin by on teh wall, woman crid 2 him, "halp me, mah lord teh king!"27 teh king replid, "if teh lord doez not halp u, wer i can git halp 4 u? Frum teh threshin floor? Frum teh winepres?"28 den he askd her, "wuts teh mattr?" She anzwerd, "dis woman sed 2 me, giv up ur son so we cud eat him todai, an 2morrow well eat mah son.29 so we cookd mah son an eatd him. Teh next dai i sed 2 her, giv up ur son so we cud eat him, but she had hidden him."30 when teh king herd teh womanz werdz, he tore his robez. As he went along teh wall, teh peeps lookd, an thar, underneath, he had sackcloth on his body.31 he sed, "cud ceilin cat deal wif me, be it evr so severely, if teh head ov elisha son ov shafat remains on his shoulders todai!"32 nao elisha wuz sittin in his houz, an teh elders wuz sittin wif him. Teh king sent mesengr ahead, but before he arrivd, elisha sed 2 teh elders, "doan u c how dis murderr iz sendin someone 2 cut off mah head? Look, when teh mesengr comez, shut teh door an hold it shut against him. Iz not teh sound ov his mastahs footsteps behind him?"33 while he wuz still talkin 2 them, teh mesengr came down 2 him. An teh king sed, "dis disastr iz frum teh lord. Y shud i wait 4 da lord any longr?"

Teh Footnotez

  • a - 2 kings 6:25 dat iz, bout 2 poundz (bout 1 kilogram)
  • b - 2 kings 6:25 dat iz, probably bout 1/2 pint (bout 0.3 litr)
  • c - 2 kings 6:25 or ov dovez dung
  • d - 2 kings 6:25 dat iz, bout 2 ouncez (bout 55 grams)
2 Kings 6
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