2 Kings 10

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Ahab's kittehs wuz kild

1 Ahab has sebenty kittehs en Somarea. Jehu meks letrs, he sendz dem to da rulrz of da citehs, n to da old kittehs, n da cats dat protekt ahab's kittehs en Somarea.2 He ritze: "Sinz yo mstrs kittehs r wit u, n you do has chariots, horsies, and u has a fortified citeh, oh and all does wepons, den wen u get dis lettr3 u chooz da best mstr kitteh. Puts him on hiz daddies thrown, and u fights for ur mstrs howse.. real hardz, srsly.4 But dey wuz scaredy catz, an dey sed: if dem to kings can no defeet dem, how weez gunna do it?5 So duh rulr of da citeh, along wit da old kittehs, n da protekt cats, dey sez back to Jehu: "Hey, we serv u. U tell us do tings, we do dem. But we not gunna say any cat iz king. U do wat u wants, k."6 So, now Jehu writz uh seknd letr (he gettin' real tired of writn, srsly). He sez: "If u on mah sidz, n do wats I sez, den u cownt da hedz of ur mstrs kittehs n cum to Jezreel so we can talks, dis tyme nxt day, k?" [btw, da cats in da town wit lotz of cheezbrgrz, dem care for da sebenty prinzcatz - dey was raisin dem.]

7 Wen dey get letr fom Jehu, dey kilz all sebenty kittehs, dey put der hedz in bukkits, and dey sendz the bukkits to Jehu in Jezreel (zomgwtfbbq!)8 A cat goz n tellz Jehu, dey brot da hedz of the kittehs! Jehu meks dem putz da hedz in 2 pilez at da door of da citeh, until da sun comz up.9 Den Jehu go out in da mornin, n he stopt, and he sez to all da cats: "U no did dis. Ya, I knows I attakd mi lord n kild him, but who kild all deez kittehs?10 I telz u, n u beta here me, all dat bad stuf Ceiling Cat sed bout howse a Ahab, it gun happn. Ceiling Cat - he did all dat stuf he sed he gunna do. He do it thru Elikhat."11 All Ahab famly in Jezreel, Jehu kil dem. Jehu kil all Ahab frenz dat has tunz cheezbrgrz, all catz clos to Ahab, and all da prestz, he kil dem all.. it was lolacaust. Ahab hav no one leff.

Ahaziah has frendz

12 Jehu, he den go to Somarea. Beth-neked-haroin, he stopt der,13 an he see frenz of Ahaziah. Ahazia, he rul Judah. Jehu sed, "hoo r u?" N dey sed, "wese frendz wit Ahaziah. We go see da prinzcats an kween mom famly."14 Jehu sed, "tayk dem, but no kil dem". Dey wuz taykn, all foarty-too ub dem. Den dey were kild by da pit of Beth-neked. Dey kild ebry one.

Somarea, Jehu der

15 Jehu leff, den on road he see Jehonadab, da kitteh of Rechab. He sez "oh hai! do u feelz abowt me likz I feelz abowt u?" Jheonadab, he sez yah buddie. Jehu sez, "if u be mah frend, gib me ur paw." Jheonadab, he dun dis, an Jehu into hez chariot he pulz him.16 "u go wit me" he sed, "I luv Celing Cat super moar bunch, yule see." Jehu brengs Jehonadab wit him. 17 Jehu get to Somarea. Ebery cat in Ahab famly, he kil dem. He kil dem all. He do wut Ceiling Cat sed wud happn. Ceiling Cat, he told Elikhat it wud happn. iz tru.

Baal's Temple, it no mor

18 Jehu mek ebry one in one playce. He sez to dem: "U knows Ahab serv Baal, but Jehu wil serv him bettah.19 Calz all da Balls prafets, n all dat prey to him, n all hiz prestz, dem to. Mek sur ebrybudy here, I gots big cheezburgr... but I no eats it, I burn it fur Baal. If u no cum see me do dis, u gunna dai." But he no serios, dis big trik. Wen dey cum, Jehu gunna kill all dem dat prey to Ball.20 Jehu den sed "get ebry one here, we say gud tings bout Baal now, k?". Dey did dis.21 Jehu spred wurd of meet evry wear in Isreal. Ebry Baal preyer, dey cum to Baal tempul. All a dem. No mor can fitz in tempul.22 Den Jehu sez to yarn cat, "brink out da yarn fir all dah baal preyers." Wen dey did dis23 Jehu an Jheonadab go to da tempul, an sed to ebry one: "Mek sur no one here likz Ceiling Cat. Dis vry emportant. Dis for Baalcats only plz, thx.24 Den dey made sackruf ices an lolacausts. But Jehu, he put aytee cats outsid da tempul. He tel dem "if u lets a baalcat ehscape, I kil won of u. If u miz too, I kil too. If tree, I kil tree.. "25 Wen dey dun wit sackruf ices and lolacausts, Jehu sey to cats outsid tempul "Go enside now an kil all da baalcats. Mek sur no baalcat git out. Kil dem all, k?" So da cats stab dem all.26 Den dey burn ther shrine27 an da pictur of Baal med of rok dey smash it. Dey deestoy da tempul, and mek it lttrbox. It stil lttrbox todai, srsly, I no kid. I poop der. 28 So, dat how Jehu mek Isreal no hav baalcats.29 But he remembr Jeroboam, kitteh of Nebat, an da sinz he mek Isreal do. Da sinz bout goldcows at Bethel n Dan.30 Ceiling Cat teld Jehu "u did wut I tink iz rite, n sence u kill all Ahab's cats, ur kittehs, dey wil rulz Isreal. N dere kittehs wil rulz to, n dere kittehs wil rulz sum mor.31 But Jehu no folow al da lawz of Ceiling Cat wit all hiz hert. He no stop frm da sinz Jeroboam med Isreal do. 32 Now Ceiling Cat tek apart Isreal. Hazaelcats defeet Isrealcats ebrywere33 I mean lik, ebrywhere, srsly. Ceiling Cat not happi. 34 All uter stuf Jehu did, dat iz writn en Isreal kings book.35 Jehu slept wit fishies an his catsestors. In Somarea he buryed. Hiz kitteh Jehoahaz wuz rulr afftur he wuz.36 Jehu rul ober Isreal twentee-ate yers.

2 Kings 10
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