1 Samuel 9

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1 So, thar wuz dis Benjamite, Kish,2 an him had son namd Saul, hoo mayde all teh othr Israelitez look liek total n00bs, SRSLY. Hee wuz so biig he cuold see ovr teh heds uv odder kittehs wiffowt jumpin.

3 Nao Kish's dawnkeys wuz lost, an Kish sed 2 Saul, "Taek wan ov teh servunts wif U an go an look 4 da donkiis, or else U go 2 bed wiffowt din-dins."4 So him lookd all ovar, usin GPS, Google Israel, an they even stoppd at dat gros Gas Stashun near teh Arbys, but they did not find them.

5 When they reachd teh district ov Zuph, Saul became HOOJ n00b an sed 2 teh servant, "Come, let's go bak before Daddy starz gettin worrid."

6 But teh servant sed, "Look, U n00b, in dis town thar iz dis wan d00d, an evrythin he sez comez true cuz he tawks 2 Ceiling Cat. Lets go ask him wer they r, or iz dat 2 scary 4 U?"

7 Saul den jus moand an whind abowt haffin nuffin 2 giv 2 teh kitteh hoo tawks to Ceiling Cat, til teh servant slapped him acros teh face.

8 Teh servant apologizd an did anythin 2 stop teh whiny brat fum cryin. "Look," him sed, "I has shiny quartr. Im gonna giv it 2 teh man of Ceilin Cat so dat he will tell us wut wai 2 taek."9 (A man ov Ceilin Cat iz calld Seer in da olden tiems)

10 "RLY?" Saul sed 2 him servunt. "RLY RLY!" sed teh servunt, so dey set owt 4 da town wer teh man ov Ceilin Cat wuz.

11 As they wuz skippin merrily 2 teh town, they met sum HAWT babez comin out 2 draw watr, an they askd them, "Iz teh Seer heer?, an R U bizzy later?"

12 "Him iz," they anzwerd. "Him ahead ov U. Hurreh nao; him has jus come 2 r town todai, 4 da kittehs has sacerfice at teh high place.13 As soon as U entr teh town, U will find him before he goez up 2 teh high place 2 eat. Teh peeps will nawt beegin eatin til he comez, cuz he must bles teh sacerfice; Afterwurd, dose hoo R invitd will eat. Go nao; U shud find him bout dis tiem, an SRSLY, weer srsly bizzy later so doan cum bak."

14 So Saul an teh servunt kitteh wen in2 taown, an tehy foun Samuel dere.

15 Flashbak!: Teh day B4 Ceiling Cat meowed to Samuel "Sammy me boy, tomorra U'll meet a kitteh frum Benjamin.16 Taht kitteh iz noo bosskat kyng uv Israel. Fling oil at himm in mai naem. Teh kittehs uv Israel prey 2 mee real guud an I send em boss-kat so tehy can has defeet uv Philistines." End flashbak.

17 So wen Samuel seez Saul, Ceiling Cat 2 Samuel sez "Psst! Its him, its him. Teh noo kyng. Goan tok 2 him, K!"

18 Saul sez to Samuel "Oh Hai! Hoo is seer heer? Iz this teh rite howse?

19 Samuel meows "Dats mee! Cum an eetz fuud an blessd cookies wif us. Nom nom nom! Tomorry yooz leeves for hoam. Ize gots lots 2 tellz yooz.20 An Hey! We foun yr dawnkiis. Srsly! Frum nao on, ure fambli will B teh most impotant in Israel."

21 Saul meowed "No wai. I no can beleef taht. Mah traib, teh Benjamites, iz smalles in Israel."

22 Tehn Samuel can haz Saul an iz servunt in hiz dining ruum 4 nom-noms. Ther wuz manni odder kittehs ther, at leest 30.23 Samuel meowed to teh kook "Oh Hai! We can haz naice tastee meet you hid awai 4 uz?

24 So teh kook hawld out teh meet and set it afore Samuel. Samuel sed to Saul "This iz delishus meet. We must eet it." So Saul chowed daown srsly!

25 So tehn Saul went hoam wif Samuel an sat on teh ruuf uv hiz howse, and tawkd all nite abowt Ceiling Cat an teh Israelite hockee Leeg an stuf.26 Teh nex dae, Samuel sez "We haz nais vizit. Taim 4 U 2 goez nao."27 Butt wen tehy getz to edj uv town, Samuel sez "Saul, sen yur servunt on ahed. I can haz breaking nyooz 4 U frum Ceiling Cat."

1 Samuel 9
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