1 Samuel 4

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Old Testament


Phil and Hiz Buddiez takez Ceiling Catz Holi Litteh Box frum Izzy. O, Eliz diez 2, k?

1 Samuel givez hiz wordz to Izzy and Izzy went ta fihgt Phil. They both makez campz, k?2 Phil pwns Izzy. He killz liek 4000 of dem.3 Thoz that no diez r liek, "Ceiling Cat, WTF? Why we pwnd by those n00bs? Okai, maibe if we bring the Litteh Box, we winz tomorrow, k?" Ceiling Cat is liek, "lol no," but saiz nothin.

4 So da ppl go ta Shiloh to get Litteh Box and dey make Eli's n00b sons carry it. Litteh Box haz angelz and stuffs on it.

5 Da ppl of Izzy yellz when dey see da Litteh Box.6 Was loud, so Phil iz liek "Wat dis noize?"7 Wen Phil learnz dat Izzy haz Litteh Box, dey liek, "Diz sukz. We no haz chance now."8 Also sayz, "Dis iz da Ceiling Cat dat smitez Egypt."9 Also sayz dat need fight good, k?

10 So dey fight, but Phil pwns Izzy again lol.11 Watz moar, dey take Litteh Box and Eliz 2 sons are made liek dead.

Eli goes "FAIL!"

12 ttly same dai, Benjamite ran frum battle an went to shiloh, wif threds tornd an dust on his hed, srsly.

13 he got thar an Eli was sittin on hims chayr by teh side ov teh road, watchin - his hart feard for da Ark ov Ceilin Cat - an wen dood enterd town an told wut happend, teh whole town had a cries, srsly.

14 Eli herd cry an askd "wut tihs?" an teh dood hurrid to Eli,15 (hoo wuz rly rly old an who cud not c)16 an told Eli, "jus come frum battle nao!" an Eli sed "waht happen?"17 an dood sed, "israel fld befor teh filistinez an teh army has sufferd heavy losez, an ur boi kittehs Hofni an Finehas r teh ded, an teh Ark ov Ceilin Cat iz wuz capturd, srsly"

18 an when he menshund teh Ark ov Ceilin Cat, Eli fell bakward off his chayr. hims neck wuz brokd an he deid, for he wuz an old old man an leik, heavy. he had led [b] israel forty yeers.

an, Eliz grankitteh Finehas birf

19 his dottr-in-law, teh wife ov Finehas, wuz pregnant an near teh tiem ov birfs. wen she herd dat teh Ark ov Ceilin Cat had been stold an dat her dad-in-law an her huzbnd wuz teh ded, she gaev birf leik all ov a sudden, but wuz ttly overcome by her labor pains, srsly.

20 an she wuz dyin, an teh women attendin her sed "doan despair; u has given birf too son." but she did not respond or pai any attenshun.21 an she namd teh boi Ichabod, [c] sayin, "teh glory has departd frum israel" cuz ov teh capchur ov teh Ark ov Ceilin Cat an teh deafs ov her dad-in-law an huzbnd.

22 an sed, "teh glory has departd frum israel, cuz da Ark ov Ceilin Cat wus catchpurd."

Teh Footnotes
  • a - 1 samuel 4:3 or he
  • b - 1 samuel 4:18 tradishunally judgd
  • c - 1 samuel 4:21 ichabod meanz no glory .
1 Samuel 4
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