1 Samuel 25
From LOLCat Bible Translation Project
David, Nabal, an Abigail
1 Now Samuel wuz ded, an all teh kittehs ov Israel wer sad; an dey put him undr teh grownd at hiz hows in Ramah. Den David went to liv in teh Desert ov Maon [a].2 Wun kitteh in Man, hoo had sum land der at Carmel, had, liek, a bazillion cheezburgurz. An also, he had lots ov animalz, liek dem goats an teh sheep.3 Hiz naem wuz Nabal, an hiz wief'z naem wuz Abigail. She wuz rly smart an rly pritty, but her huzbnd wuz a Calebite, so he wuz liek a total n00b, an he wuz rly mean.
4 Wen David wuz sleepin, he heers Nabal sheerin sum sheepi.5 So, he sended 10 yung kittehs and sayed to dem, "Yuz go up to Nabal at Carmel an say hai to him fr me.6 Say to him: 'Oh hai! Many cheezburgrz fr yu an ur peeps! An gud helth to all ur stuf!
7 " 'Now I heerz it iz teh tiem to sheer teh seep. Wen ur sheprds wer wif us, we not hr dem at all, an teh hoel tiem dey wer at Carmel nufing ov ders wuz goen.8 Go asks ur servnts, dey tellz yu. So be niec fr my yung kttehs, cuz we heer at gud tiem. Plees give ur peeps an ur sun David any cheezburgrz yu can find.' "
9 Wen teh kittehs gots der, dey gives Nabal teh wurdz fr David. Den dey wayts.
10 Nabal sayed to teh servnts, "Ho iz dis n00b David? Hoo iz dis sun ov Jesse? Lots ov servnts r leeving der mastrs deez days.11 Wai Iz takes my cheezburgrz an gives it to deez weerd kittehs frum weerd plases?"
12 So teh kittehs went bac. Wen dey got der, dey told David everyfing.13 David wuz liek, "WAI HE SAY DEEZ FINGS?" an he sayd to hiz peeps, "Put on ur claws!" An dey put on der claws, an David put on hiz claw. Den he taked 400 kittehs wif him, an 200 stayed to wach teh stuf.
14 Wun ov dem servnts ov Nabal telled Abigail: "David sent deez peeps frum teh desrt to say hai to teh mastr, but he not gud kitteh, an he insults dem.15 WAI HE DO DIS? WTF? Dey wer rly niec to us. Dey not hrt us, an dey not takes anyfing eether.16 Nite an day dey maked a wall fr us wen we wuz herdin dem sheeps neer dem.17 Now fink abowt it an do sumfin, cuz der iz bad fings fr teh mastr an all hiz peeps. He iz such bad kitteh, no uddrs talks to him."
18 abigail lost no tiem. She took 2 hundrd loavez ov bread, 2 skins ov wine, 5 dresd sheep, 5 seahs [b] ov roastd grain, hundrd cakez ov raisins an 2 hundrd cakez ov presd figs, an loadd them on donkeys.19 den she told her servants, "go on ahead; ill follow u." but she did not tell her husband nabal.
20 as she came ridin her donkey into mountain ravine, thar wuz david an his doodz descendin toward her, an she met them.21 David had jus sed, "iz been uselesâ€”all mah watchin ovar dis fellows property in da desert so dat nothin ov his wuz misin. He has paid me bak evil 4 gud.22 cud ceilin cat deal wif david, [c] be it evr so severely, if by mornin i leef aliv wan male ov all hoo belong 2 him!"
23 when abigail saw david, she quickly got off her donkey an bowd down before david wif her face 2 teh ground.24 she fell at his feet an sed: "mah lord, let teh blame be on me alone. Plz let ur servant speek 2 u; hear wut ur servant has 2 say.25 cud mah lord pai no attenshun 2 dat wickd man nabal. He iz jus liek his naymâ€”his naym iz fool, an folly goez wif him. But as 4 me, ur servant, i did not c teh doodz mah mastah sent.
26 "nao since teh lord has kept u, mah mastah, frum bloodshd an frum avengin yourself wif ur own hanz, as surely as teh lord livez an as u liv, cud ur enemiez an all hoo intend 2 harm mah mastah be liek nabal.27 an let dis gift, which ur servant has brought 2 mah mastah, be given 2 teh doodz hoo follow u.28 plz forgiv ur servants offense, 4 da lord will certainly mak lastin dynasty 4 mah mastah, cuz he fights teh lordz battlez. Let no wrongdoin be findz in u as long as u liv.29 even though someone iz pursuin u 2 taek ur life, teh life ov mah mastah will be bound securely in da bundle ov teh livin by teh lord ur ceilin cat. But teh livez ov ur enemiez he will hurl away as frum teh pocket ov slin.30 when teh lord has dun 4 mah mastah evry gud ting he promisd concernin him an has appointd him leadr ovar israel,31 mah mastah will not has on his conscience teh staggerin burden ov needles bloodshd or ov havin avengd him. An when teh lord has brought mah mastah succes, remembr ur servant."
32 david sed 2 abigail, "praize be 2 teh lord, teh ceilin cat ov israel, hoo has sent u todai 2 meet me.33 cud u be blesd 4 ur gud judgment an 4 keepin me frum bloodshd dis dai an frum avengin myself wif mah own hanz.34 otherwize, as surely as teh lord, teh ceilin cat ov israel, livez, hoo has kept me frum harmin u, if u had not come quickly 2 meet me, not wan male belongin 2 nabal wud has been left aliv by daibreak."
35 den david acceptd frum her hand wut she had brought him an sed, "go home in peace. I has herd ur werdz an grantd ur request."
36 when abigail went 2 nabal, he wuz in da houz holdin banquet liek dat ov king. He wuz in high spirits an vry drunk. So she told him nothin til daibreak.37 den in da mornin, when nabal wuz sobr, his wife told him all thees things, an his hart faild him an he became liek stone.38 bout 10 dais latr, teh lord struck nabal an he did.
39 when david herd dat nabal wuz ded, he sed, "praize be 2 teh lord, hoo has ufeld mah cause against nabal 4 treatin me wif contempt. He has kept his servant frum doin wrong an has brought nabals wrongdoin down on his own head." Den david sent werd 2 abigail, askin her 2 become his wife.40 his servants went 2 carmel an sed 2 abigail, "david has sent us 2 u 2 taek u 2 become his wife."
41 she bowd down wif her face 2 teh ground an sed, "her iz ur maidservant, ready 2 serve u an wash teh feet ov mah mastahs servants."42 abigail quickly got on donkey an, attendd by her 5 maidz, went wif davidz mesengers an became his wife.43 david had also marrid ahinoam ov jezreel, an they both wuz his wivez. 44 but saul had given his daughtr michal, davidz wife, 2 paltiel [d] son ov laish, hoo wuz frum gallim.
- a - 1 samuel 25:1 sum septuagint manuscripts; hebrew paran
- b - 1 samuel 25:18 dat iz, probably bout bushel (bout 37 liters)
- c - 1 samuel 25:22 sum septuagint manuscripts; hebrew wif davidz enemiez
- d - 1 samuel 25:44 hebrew palti , variant ov paltiel
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