1 Samuel 24

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Old Testament
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David gives Saul teh cheesburgr

1 Wen Saul coemed hoem frum chasin dem Philistines, he got told, "David iz in teh Desert ov En Gedi. Srsly"2 So Saul thinks, "Iz go to get dis kitteh," an him taked 3000 peeps frum Israel an goed to find David at teh Crags ov teh Wild Goats.

3 Him goed to teh sheep hows; an he finds a caev, so Saul goed to teh caev an he wuz liek "Iz in ur caev, releevin meselfs". David wuz wif hiz peeps at teh bac ov teh cave.4 Teh peeps wuz liek, "Dis iz teh day teh Ceiling Cat sed to yu, 'I gives yu ur enemy to yu fr yu to, liek do wut yu wants.'" So David goed all sneeky liek an taked wun cornr ov Saul's robe.

5 But den, David wuz liek, "Iz no do gud thin," cuz him cut off teh cornr ov teh robe.6 So he sayed to hiz peeps, "Teh Ceiling Cat not let Iz do dat to my mastr, hoo teh Ceiling Cat anoynted, or do anytin; cuz teh Ceiling Cat anuynted him.7 Wif dat, David scolded hiz peeps, an him not let dem fight Saul. An den Saul wuz liek, "Kthxbye," an he goid owt ov teh caev.

8 An den Daved goed owt ov teh caev too, an he sayed, "My TopCat, teh kin!" Wen Saul looks, David bows an den lies down, wif his faec on teh grownd.9 Den he sayed to Saul, "Y do yu lissen wen kittehs say, 'David wunts to hrt yu'?10 Dis dai, yu see wif yuz ais dat teh Ceiling Cat gived yu to me in teh caev. Teh peeps told me to kill yu, but Iz not, bad, iz gud, sos I did not; Iz sayed, 'I not bad kitteh, sos I no hurts my master, cuz him wuz anoynted by teh Ceiling Cat.'11 Yu see, my fadr, yu looks at dis pees ov yu'z robe! I cuts it off, but I no kills yu. I NOT BAD KITTEH! WAI YU WUNT ME? WUT I DO???12 Let teh Ceiling Cat tell hoo iz gud an hoo iz bad. An, let teh Ceiling Cat get bac at teh kittehs hoo hrts me, but Iz no tuch yu.13 Liek dat owd sayin, 'Frum teh bad kittehs coems teh ad tings,' so Iz no tuches yu.

14 "Wai duz yu coem owt? Hoo yu wunt? A ded dog? A flea?15 Let teh Ceiling Cat tell hoo iz gud an hoo iz bad, an let him say weder Iz do gud or bad; let him put me owtside cuz I not hrt yu."

16 Wen David wuz doen, Saul sayed, "Iz dat srsly yu, David?" An det him cryed.17 "Yu r bettr den me," he sayed. "Yu not hrt me, but Iz hrt yu lots.18 Yu wer just liek, Iz rly gud cuz I not hrt yu; teh Ceiling Cat gived me to yu, an yu not kill me.19 Wen a kitteh gets hiz enemy, he nevr let him leev wifowt hrting him. Let teh Ceiling Cat give yu lots ov cheezburgrz fr dis.20 I nos dat yu be TopCat now, an dat teh big howze ov Israel wil be gud wif yu.21 Den Saul maked David promis dat he not get rid ov Saul'z future peeps.

22 Den David promised, an dey wer liek, "Kthxbye," an Saul goed hoem, but David goed wif hiz army to teh big strong howze.

1 Samuel 24
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