1 Samuel 15

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Old Testament
Cieling Cat sez 2 Saul: DO NOT WANT

1 listen nao 2 teh mesage frum cielin kat and get out of the way whn he haks hairbllz.

2 dis ar teh wut cielin kat almighty sez: im gonna shred teh amalekitez 4 wut they did 2 israel wit frry pawz whn thay hissed at thems as thay came up frum land of giant kitteh littrz box and took all teh cheezburgerz and maded them sad.

3 Nao go, pwn teh amalekitez doodz an totally destroy evrythin dat belongs 2 Them in their base. Do not spare them; put 2 death doodz an womens, childrens an infants, kattle an Sheep, camels an donkeys, peez on their carpts and shred thair couches and slep in thair cleen laundriez and do not maded thems any cookiez. "

4 So saul summond teh doodz an musterd them at telaim—2 hundrd thousand foot Soldiers an 10 thousand doodz frum judah. srsly. was laik sceen frm a muvie layk maybi lawrd of teh ringz.5 Saul went 2 teh city ov amalek an set an ambush in da ravine. vry sneky.

6 Den he sed 2 teh kenitez, "go awais, leave teh amalekitez so dat i no Destroy u along wif them and pees on yur carpetz n stuff; 4 u showd kindnes 2 all teh israelitez when they came Up out ov land of giant kitteh littrz box and said 'u can haz sum cheezburgerz'." so teh kenitez movd away frum teh amalekitez and sed k bai.

7 Den saul attackd teh amalekitez all teh wai frum havilah 2 shur, 2 teh east Ov land of giant kitteh littrz box.

8 He took agag king ov teh amalekitez aliv, an all his peeps he totally Destroyd wif teh sword and all theirs carpts wuz ttly peed on and then burieds in ktty litterz.9 But saul an teh army spard agag an teh best ov teh sheep an kattle, teh fat Calvez an lambs an cheezburgerz —evrythin dat wuz gud and had a flavur. Thees they wuz unwillin 2 shreds up Completely, but evrythin dat wuz despisd an weak they totally destroyded and peedz on.

1 "o hai! im grievd dat i has made saul king, cuz he has turnded away frum me an Has not carrid out mah instrucshuns or gives me scirches behaind erz." samuel wuz troubld, an he crid out 2 cielin kat All dat nite aftr he wz don masturbtin.10 Den teh meow ov cielin kat came 2 samuel:

11 Early in da mornin samuel got up an went 2 meet saul, but he wuz told, "saul gowai somwherz. Thar he has set up monument in his own honor cuz he haz an ego an has turnd an Gonez on down 2 gilgal wheraver tht iz. I thnk iz neer nyoo jerzy"12 When samuel reachd him, saul sed, "cielin kat bles u! I has carrid out Teh cielin kats instrucshuns ftw."

13 ' But samuel sed, "wut den iz dis bleatin ov sheep in mah ears? Wut iz dis Lowin ov kattle dat i hear? An this smell of delicus cheezburgers i smells?"14 Saul anzwerd, "teh soldiers brought them frum teh amalekitez; they spard teh Best ov teh sheep an kattle and cheezburgerz 2 sacrifice 2 cielin kat ur cielin kat, but we totally Destroyd teh rest and also peeds on it."15 "ftl!" samuel sed 2 saul. "let me tellz u wut cielin kat sed 2 me last Nite after he watched me masturbite." "tell me," saul replid.

16 Samuel sed, "although u wuz once small in ur own eyez, did u not become Teh head ov teh tribez ov israel ftw? Cielin kat anointd u king ovar israel.

17 An he sent u on mishun, sayin, go an completely destroy dose wickd Peeps, teh amalekitez; mak war on them til u has wipd them out and eated their cookies.

18 Y u not obey cielin kat ? Y u pounce on teh plundr like kats do to teh furry mice an do evil In da eyez ov cielin kat ?"19 "but i did obey cielin kat," saul sed. "i went on teh mishun cielin kat Assignd me. I compltely destroyd teh amalekitez an brought bak agag their king and eated ther cookiez.

20 Teh soldiers took sheep, kattle and cheezburgerz frum teh plundr, teh best ov wut wuz Devotd 2 cielin kat, in ordr 2 sacrifice them 2 cielin kat ur cielin kat at Gilgal whrvr that iz. I thnk iz near san francizco lolz"21 But samuel replid:

      "doez cielin kat delight in burnt offerings an sacrificez of cheezburgz
      as mutch as in obeyin teh meow ov cielin kat ?
      2 obey iz bettr than sacrifice of cheezburgerz,
      an 2 hed iz bettr than teh fat ov rams cheezburgerz.

22 4 rebellion iz liek teh sin ov divinashun,

      an arrogance liek teh evil ov idolatry except 4 maneki-nekos, thos r ok by cieling cat.
      cuz u has rejectd teh meow ov cielin kat,
      he has rejectd u as king and ttly slept in yor cleen laundriez."

23 Den saul sed 2 samuel, "OH NOES i has sinnd. I haz violatd cielin kats command an Ur instrucshuns. I wuz afraid ov teh peeps an so i gaev in 2 them I lose.

24 Nao i beg u, forgiv mah sin an come bak wif me, so dat i cud worship teh Cielin kat and give him pets."

25 But samuel sed 2 him, "im gonna not go bak wif u. U has rejectd teh werd Ov cielin kat, an cielin kat has rejectd u as king ovar israel and buried yu with hiz turds!"

26 As samuel turnd 2 leave, saul caught hold ov teh hem ov his robe, an it tore like when kats climb up da curtains so theys can be closr 2 cieling cat.27 Samuel sed 2 him, "cielin kat has torn teh kingdom ov israel frum u todai and takened your cookies An has given it 2 wan ov ur neighbors—2 wan bettr than u.

28 he hoo iz teh glory Ov israel doez not lie or changez his mind; 4 he iz not kitteh, dat he shud change his Mind."29 Saul replid, "i has sinnd! But plz honor me before teh elders ov mah peeps An before israel; come bak wif me, so dat i cud worship cielin kat ur cielin kat andz snorgle him."30 so samuel went bak wif saul, an saul worshipd cielin kat and gave him many pets and scritches behind teh earz and snorgled him.

31 Den samuel sed, "brin me agag king ov teh amalekitez."

     agag came 2 him confidently, thinkin, "surely teh bitternes ov death iz Past, srsly."32 but samuel sed,
      "as ur sword has made women childles and remved kitteh hairblz,
      so will ur mommy be childles among women."
     an samuel put agag 2 death before cielin kat at gilgal by making him a humn critching post.

33 den samuel left 4 ramah, but saul went up 2 his home in gibeah ov saul cuz it haz a flavor.34 til Teh dai samuel did, he did not go 2 c saul again, though samuel mournded 4 him. An Cielin kat wuz grievd dat he had made saul king ovar israel and began 2 licks hiz hrbalz and chaze invisibl mouse in livng room.

1 Samuel 15
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