1 Samuel 14

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1 Wun dai, Jonathon sunuv Saul sez 2 hiz servunt "Oh Hai! We can haz vizit wit teh Philistine foart ovah yondah." Butt Jonathon no tel hiz PapaKat wot ee doez.

2 Saul wuz campin owt at Gibeah, an sleepin unner a palm of granite tree (vry hevvy froot). He hadz 600 kittehz withim,3 wun of hoom wuz Ahija. Ahija wor an "ephod", witch wuz a preests cloak. Y Bible mentn dis? I dunno. Ahija's daddykat and granddaddykats wer importunt, so Ahija muss B impotent 2. No kitteh new Jonathon can had scampered orf wit hiz servunt.

4 Jonathon gnew hiz path 2 teh Philistine foart an teh naimz uv teh hillz neerby, so U can vizit ther 2. Teh clifs wer cald Bozez an Seneh, butt tehy doan cum wen yu call tehm! Bein clifs an all.5 Wun clif wus closur 2 Micmash, teh uzzer wuz closr 2 Geba (Taik #51 bus 2 gett ther todai.)

6 Jonathon sez 2 teh servunt "Let'z go vizit doze Philistines wit the uncut knobs. Mebbe Ceiling Cat wil smil at us an help uz."

7 Teh servunt, who carreed Jonathon'z weponz an armur, sez "K! Im wit yoo 110%!"

8 Jonathon sez "Wen wee getz clozer, teh Philistines wil see uz. Dat's K. Leddem see uz.9 If tehy sai 'Stai put, weer cummin 2 U' tehn we stai put.10 Bud iff tehy sai 'Cumon ovah an vizit us' wee goe 2 tehm cos Ceiling Cat is wit uz."

11 So tehy went visibl 2 teh Philistines an teh Philistines sez "Hay luuk! Hebrews! Comon ovah an weel teech U lesson"12 Jonathon sez 2 teh survent "Lez go! Ceiling Cat sez trash em!"

13 So teh too uv tehm clymd up teh clif an attaxxed teh Philistines in ther foart. Tehy hacxxed an stabbs a hole bunch uv Philistines.14 In taht firsd attcxxkx, Jonathon an hiz survunt kilxx 20 enemees.

Israel wrexckz teh Philistines

15 Oh noes! All teh Philistine kittehz getz paniks, wherebber tehy mite B - in teh kamp, on teh feeldz, in teh foarts an teh raid parteez. Ceiling Cat maeks tehm panixx. Heez in charj!

16 Teh kittehs hoo kepe watch fur Saul Say "Hey! Philistine armee go krazy n runawai."17 Saul den sey "Wher'z teh Israel armee at? Hoo'z wit uz heer?". All teh soljur kittehs ran ovah ceptin Jonathon an iz servunt.

18 Saul axxd Ahijah "Fetchez l'Ark de Ceiling Cat, k?" as teh Ark wuz wit teh Israelites jus then.19 Az Saul an Ahija kep shootn teh breez, teh Philistine R be gettin mor an mor wrangy an agitetd. So Saul axxed teh preest to turn daon teh voluum on teh Ark.

20 Saul an teh Israel soljahkats wen tinto battel. Teh Philistines wer all konfusored an fietin wit therselfz.21 Sum Israelites wer wit teh Philistines butt tehy kaem bak 2 Saul.22 An all teh run-awai-skaird Israelites hoo wuz heidin caem bakk 2.23 Ceiling Cat heps Israel armees win. Teh battl moovz off passt Beth Avon.

Jonathon skarfs daon hunni cookies

24 Israel soljahkats wer all in mizry. Saul meowd taht no Israel kitteh can has fuud afor sundown, coz Saul wantz revenj on Philistines firss. Teh soljahkats obei Saul.

25 Teh hole armee wen in2 teh bushs an ther wuz cookies maid wit hunni all ovah teh groun.26 But no-1 eatz teh cookies. Tehy obei Saul an teihr soft furri tummis grwold laik a dawg.27 But Jonathon wuz nawt aroun when Saul maid hiz comman, so hee eetz a cookie.28 A soljah meowd in horra "Yooz in trubble. Saul sez we cannawt eetz yet!"

29 Jonathon meowd "Mai daddykat maiks trubba 4 teh nashun uv Israel. Teh cookie I eetz maiks me feel betta.30 It wood B betta if yoo can haz Philistine captur-cookies todai, an tehn yoo can haz mor strengxx an killx mor Philistines."

31 Teh Israelites wer so tird after bashin an jabbin all teh Philistines ded all dai long.32 Tehy grabd teh meet uv teh Philistine animables an 8 it togedder wit teh animable bluud - Baa baa sheepz meet, an moo-cowz an bebby moo-cowz meet.33 Tehn sumwun meowd to Saul "Im tellin on teh kittehs. Teh soljahz R all eetin meet wit teh bluud still init. Unclean 2 Ceiling Cat!" Saul meowd "Fetchez a larj rawk."34 Saul telz teh kittehs 2 slotter ded teihr own animables, drane teh bluud, tehn eetz tehm teh rite wai. Do it teh Ceiling Cat-approovd wei. So tehy did!35 Tehn Saul bilds an altar 2 Ceiling Cat.

36 Saul sez "Yoove eetin, now letts taek mor frum teh Philistines. An maik shoor tehy R all hakd ded wit owr sordz." Teh soljah kittehs meowed teihr aproovl. But teh preest sed "Woah! Hold on! Time owt!" whil makin teh T-sign wit hiz paws. "We gotta asxkx permishun frum Ceiling Cat firs."

37 Saul axd Ceiling Cat "We can haz takeeng stuf frum teh Philistines? We can haxx tehm 2 deth?" Butt Ceiling Cat chust tuuk a msg. He no anser dat day.

38 Saul wuz worreed. He meowd 2 teh bosskats uv teh armee "Wee haff 2 find teh kitteh hoo didz teh Invisible Error.39 Teh sinnah muss dy 2 maek Ceiling Cat a Happy Cat." Butt all uv teh kittehz zip ther lips an no tell.

40 Saul an Jonathon stood awai frum teh odder kittehs in teh Israel armi.

41 Tehn Saul praied 2 Ceiling Cat. Hee asxkx Ceiling Cat 2 permit teh rite choys. Summbuddi flips a coyne an Saul 'n' Jonathon R chozen, nawt the odder kittehs.42 Anodder coyn flip an Jonathon iz teh unlukki winrar.

43 Saul asxkx Jonathon "Watchoo doez? Wot Invisible Error yoo dooz? Jonathon meowd "I eatz a cookie wee findz inna de bushez. Waht! I gotta be haxxored fur taht?"

44 Saul meowd "I gotta killxx U, 2 makez honour 2 Ceiling Cat."

45 But teh soljerkittehs sed "Oh noes! Jonathon halp uss win teh battl todai. He wont goez 'Blargh, I am ded' Ceiling Cat helpz him winzors in battl" So tehy taks him awai frum Saul an savz him.

46 Saul frows upp hiz pawz and sez "K, U winn." So tehy stop hasslin teh Philistines an goez strate hoam 2 ther famablies an ther adorabl fluffi littl babby kittenz hoo laik 2 play wif stringz.

47 Saul wuz kynge an fot wif odder enemeez: Moab, Ammonites, Edom, Zobah an mor Philistines. Hee winz alla da tyme.48 Oh yess, also fot wit Amalekites an winz agayne.

Saul can haz fambli

49 Saul can haz 3 sunz Jonathon, Ishvi an Malki-Shua. He can haz 2 dottirs Merab an Michal.50 Hiz wife wuz Ahinoam, dottir ov Ahimaaz.51 Odder fambly naemz inkloodz cuzzin Abner, unkl Ner, Saul'z daddykat Kish an grandaddykat Abiel. See, in Holi Bibel, evry-1 getz a shout-out.

52 While Saul wuz kyng Philistines not smart. Tehy keep cummin bak for mor battls. If Saul seez a strong kitteh, hee goz intoo armee, licketysplit.

1 Samuel 14
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