1 Samuel 12

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Old Testament
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Samuels farewell speech

1 an so Samuel sed to all israel,
"ai has listend to evrythin u sed to me an has set king ovar u.
2 nao u has king as ur leadr. an nao ai iz old an gray, an mah sons r her wif u. an ai has been ur leadr frum youfs til nao.3 her i stand. testefei against me in da presence ov Ceiling Cat an his anointd. whos ox has ai taken? whos donkee has ai taken? whom has ai cheatd? whom has ai oppresd? frum whose paw has i acceptd bribe an shut mah eyez? if i has dun any ov thees, iz gon mak it rite, srsly."

4 "u has not cheatd or oppresd us, srsly." they replid. "u has not taken anythin frum anyonez paw."

5 an Samuel sed "Celing Cat iz witnes against u, an also his anointd iz witnes, dat u has not findz anythin in mah paw." "he iz witnes, srsly" they sed.

6 den Samuel sed "it Ceiling Cat hoo appointd Moses an Aaron an brought ur foredads up out ov egypt.7 nao den, stand her, cuz ai iz gon to confront u wif evidence befor Ceiling Cat as to all teh reitchuss acts performd by Ceiling Cat for u doods an ur dads.

8 "aftr Jacob enterd egypt, they crid to Ceiling for halp, an Ceiling Cat sent Mosez an Aaron, hoo brought ur foredads out ov egypt an settld them in dis place.

9 "but they forgot Ceilin Cat; so he sold them into teh paw ov Sisera, teh commandr ov teh army ov hazor, an into teh hanz ov teh filistinez an teh king ov moab, hoo fought against them.

10 they crid out to Ceiling Cat an sed we has sinnd! we has forsaken Celing Cat an servd teh baals an teh ashtoreths! but nao delivr us frum teh hanz ov r enemiez, an we will serve u, srsly.

11 den Ceiling Cat sent Jerub-Baal, [a] Barak, [b] Jefthah an Samuel, [c] an he deliverd u frum teh pawz ov ur enemiez on evry side, so dat u livd securely.

12 "but when u saw dat Nahash king ov teh ammonitez wuz movin against u, u sed to me, no, we wants king to rule ovar us - even though Ceilin Cat wuz ur king.

13 nao her iz teh king u has chosen, teh wan u askd for; c, Ceiling Cat has set king ovar u, k?

14 if u fear Ceiling Cat an serve an obei him an do not rebel against his commandz, an if both u an teh king hoo reigns ovar u follow Ceilin Cat - gud! srsly!

15 but if u do not obei Ceiling Cat, an if u rebel against his commandz, his paw will be against u, as it wuz against ur dads.

16 "nao den, stand still an c wut Ceiling Cat iz bout to do befor ur eyez!17 iz not wheat harvest nao? iz gon call upon Ceiling Cat to send thundr an rane. an u will realize wut invisibel err0r u did in da eyez ov Ceiling Cat when u askd for king."

18 den Samuel calld upon Ceiling Cat, an dat same dai teh lord sent thundr an rane an so all teh peeps stood in awe ov Ceiling Cat an ov Samuel. srsly.

19 teh peeps all sed to Samuel, "pray to Ceilin Cat for ur servants so dat we will not dye, for we has addd to all r othr invisible err0r teh evil ov askin for king."

20 "dont has feerd," Samuel replid. "u has dun all envisllbel err0r; yet do not turn away frum Ceiling Cat, but serve Ceiling Cat wif all ur hart.

21 do not turn away aftr useles idols. dems can do u no gud, nor can they rescue u, cuz dem r useles. srsly.22 for da saek ov his great naym Ceiling Cat will not reject his peeps, cuz has pleezd to mak u his own.23 as for meh, i wont envisibel err0r gainst Ceiling Cat by not prayin for yous. an iz gon teach u teh wai dat iz gud an rite, srsly.

24 but be sure to fear Ceiling Cat! an serve him faithfully wif all ur hart! considr wut great things he has dun for u.25 yet if u persist in inveisibel err0rz, bofs u an ur king will be sweptd awai."

Teh Footnotez
  • a - 1 samuel 12:11 also calld gideon
  • b - 1 samuel 12:11 sum septuagint manuscripts an syriac; hebrew bedan
  • c - 1 samuel 12:11 hebrew; sum septuagint manuscripts an syriac samson
1 Samuel 12
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