1 Samuel 11

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Old Testament
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1 So Nahash whooz a ammonite or a trilobite or a tribble or smthn, goez n does a seej at sum place callded Jabesh-Gilead, n de ppl of Jabesh-Gilead are all liek "if you go way, we giv u cheezbrgers n rub yr belly".2 But Nahash the tribble sez "i only go way if I cn poke out all your rite aiz, n maek yu luk stupid n frunt ov Izreel."3 N teh grown-ups of Jabesh-Gilead sez "give us a week 2 send fr our frenz to kick yur as. If theyz no cm n save us, yu cn poke out our aiz n evrythng."4 N ther messingrs come to Gibeah wer Saul livz, n tell evrybody, n the'yre all like OMFG!!!!!!!

5 N Saul's out in teh feeldz wif teh moocows, n he cumz back n hez all like "wassup wif evrybdy?" N dey tellded him bout wat's hapnin in Jabesh-Gilead.6 N Saul getz full of Ceiling Cat stuf, n hez pissed. Srsly.7 He taeks teh moocows n minces m up into hambrgers, but he did not eated dem, he sendz ppl wif teh hambrgers to all teh kittehs in Izreel, n sez 2 tell m if dey don't come w/Saul n Sam he'l mince up dey're moocows in2 hmbergurs 2. teh kittehs all scaerd of Ceiling Cat, so dey all cum out.8 he bringz m all 2 Bezek, loadz n loadz of dem. 1/2 fm Izreel n 1/2 fm Jooda, even tho the'yre teh same thing at tihs point in teh Baibl. I duno. i not rite dis.9 N dey say to messingrs, "moro, b4 lunchtaim wen iz taim 2 get out f bed, we savez yu." N teh messingers told teh ppl in Jabesh-Gilead, n tehyz happy.10 So dey say "tmoro yu can do wat yu liekz wv us. onest."11 N netx dai Saul maeks 3 gangz f all teh kittehs, n tehy goez 2 teh tribbles baskets n PWNZ dem! coz dey still sleepz coz iz not lunchtaim yetz. N dey all run away n not never see none f dem agen.

12 N teh ppl sez 2 Sam "so iz Saul teh boss f us? Getz teh tribbles, coz we wantz 2 killz dem!"13 But Saul's liek "no killen dem, coz Ceiling Cat savedz us n he says so n he's teh best."14 n Sam sez 2 teh peeps, "Parteh at Gilgal!!!!!!! Letz make Saul boss agen."15 So all teh peepz goez 2 Gilgal, n dey make Saul boss agen agen, n giv Ceiling Cat cookies n chizbgrurs, n evrybdyz happy.

1 Samuel 11
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