1 Samuel 10

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Old Testament

1 So Sam getz bottle of cooking oyl and washded his hair wif it, and like smoochded him n sed "teh Ceiling Cat not has washded yous hair n maded you teh boss of Izreel? N you be boss of all teh Ceiling Cat's kittehs, n savedz dem from gettn chasd by dogz n stuf? Rly. N this showz ppl teh Ceiling Cat washded yous hair n maked you teh boss of all hz kittehs.2 Yu go way n hang wif 2 d00dz nr wer dey beryd Rachl in shubox in Ben n Zelzah's garden, n dey say "yr pops finded teh dunkeys wot yu l00kn fr, n he cd care less bout teh dunkeys nao, n iz waitn up fr yu. He sez, 'what 2 do bout mi kitteh?'3 Then yu clime up teh tree of Tabor n hang wiv 3 d00dz goin 2 hang wif teh Ceiling Cat in Bethl, n 1 d00d got 3 kittehs, n othr d00d got 3 cheezburgrs, n othr 1 got teh booze.4 N dey say oh hai n gif yu 2 cheezbrgerz n yu say thnx d00dz, l8r.5 N den wen yu getz daon fm teh tree yu go to place wiv rly stupid name, callded Gib'eathelohim. Srsly. Place must hav big sign or smthn. Bunch of filibusters tehre. Wen u getz tehre yu meetz a bunch of happy-clappiez comin frm place up hai wif gitarz n tambureenz n stufz, singin n bein all happy-clappy n stufz.6 N den yu be full of Ceiling Cat stuf, n yu be happy-clappy liek tehm n be like sum uthr cat ntirely, like teh incredibl hulk or sumthn. Srsly.7 Wen all dese things happenz, let ur handz do whtevr yr handz liek 2 do, liek rub teh Celing Cat's belly n scrach hiz earses, coz teh Ceiling Cat be dere wiv yu. 4 rl.8 N den yu go 2 Gilgal b4 I getz dere, n wen I getz dere i giv Ceiling Cat cheezburgrs n cookiez n stufs so Ceiling Cat doez not eated us. Yu b tehre a weeek b4 i getz dere n tel yu wat 2 do netx."

9 So he goez way fm Sam, n Ceiling Cat rubz hiz belly, n all teh things Sam sed happended.10 Tehy go to Gibeah, n luk! a bunch f happy-clappiez show up, n he getz ful of Ceiling Cat stuf n goes all happy-clappy liek tehm.11 N all hiz homeys saw him goin all happy-clappy n sez "luk at Kish's kitteh! Iz Saul a happy-clappy now?"12 N sum d00d frm tehre sez "who's teh daddy?" N it gets printed on tshrts n mousemats n stuf, n evrybdyz sayin it.13 N wen he had enuf happy-clappy stuf he clims a tree.

14 Wen Saul n his servnt getz back his uncle's like "were yu been? You treet dis place liek hotel etc." N Saul sez "we been lukin fr teh dunkeys, but we cd not finded dem, n den we saw Sam."15 N Saul's uncle was like "oh yeh? N what Sam did telld yu?"16 N Saul's like "he sez pops founded teh dunkeys." But Saul not did sed nothing bout bein boss, liek what Sam tolded him. He keepz his mouth zipped.

17 So Sam getz all teh kittehs to hang at Mizpah,18 n he's like "Ceiling Cat giv me messg 2 giv 2 youz gaiz. Ceiling Cat sez, rmembr how I gave yu ride back frm Eejit, n saved youz frm gettn chased by teh Eejit dogz n teh other dogz n stuf?19 So wy for yu no talk to Ceiling Cat no more? Ceiling Cat iz gud 2 yu, n givs yu cheezbrgrs n cookies n stufs, but yu say we no want Ceiling Cat, we want a boss! So evrybdy line up in frnt ov me by yr breeds.

20 So Sam gets all teh breeds ov kittehs of Izreel, n putz all tehir namez in a hat n pix 1, n its Ben.21 N he puts all teh namez of teh litterz ov Ben kittehs in teh hat n pix 1, n its teh litter ov teh Matrites. N den he putz all teh names of teh Matrites in teh hat n pix 1, n its Saul. Srsly. N dey luk for Saul, but dey cd not finded him.22 N dey aks teh Ceiling Cat, "wherz he haydn?" n teh Ceiling Cat's liek "he'z over tehre, luk!"23 N dey chasd him n catchded him, n dey put him netx to teh other kitteh's, n he's liek so much bigger than tehj othrs, liek the'yre only up to here and he's away up tehre.24 N Sam's all "Luk! Ceiling Cat pickded him! Ceiling Cat is so cool." N all teh kitteh's say "you teh boss! way 2 go d00d!"

25 N Sam telz evrybdy what teh boss is sposd 2 do, n he rites it all down in a buk like this thick, n Ceiling Cat happy. D den Sam's all "evry1 go home now, it's bedtime."26 N Saul goez home too 2 Gibeah were hiz house iz, n bunch ov c00l d00dz who got tehir bellies rubbed by teh Ceiling Cat goez home wiv him.27 But sum nasty d00dz are all like "di gai's gona save us? yeh rite." N dey no liek Saul, n not giv him no cheezbrgers. But he no sai nuthn.

1 Samuel 10
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