1 Kings 9

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Old Testament
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Ceeling Cat Appears to Solomon

1 When Solomon had finished maeking holi hause for Ceeling Cat an the royal scratching post, an dun all he wanted to,2 Ceeling cat showed up for second tiem, lyke at Gibeon.3 Ceeling cat sed to him: "I herd yer prayer an plea yu maed in front uv me; I made this holi haus very, very specul, dat you maed, by putting mai Name dere forever an evur. Mai eyes and mai heart will always be dere.4 "As for yu, if yu walk before me wif a gud heart and not fall over, as David yer daddy did, and do all I command and observe mai forum roolz,5 I will give yu royal sofa over Israel forever, as I promised David yer daddy when I said, 'Yu will not failzors to have a dood on teh royal sofa of Israel.'6 "But if yu or yer boy kitties turn away from me and braek the roolz I haz given yu an go off to serve other gods and give them yer cheezburgers,7 den I will cut off Israel from teh place I has given them and will reject dis spechul haus I maed very specul for mai Name. Israel will be big fail an the hoomans will ROTFL at it.8 An though dis spechul haus is now srsly impressive, all hu go by will be appalled an will lol an say, 'Y has Ceeling Cat dun such tings to dis place and dis Now Hiram had sent to the king 120 talents [d] of gold.spechul haus?'9 Hoomanz will say, 'Coz dey have forsaken Ceeling Cat, hu brought dere daddies out uv Egypt, and have cuddled wif uvver gods, worshiping and giving dem cookies—dat is why Ceeling Cat maed all dis bad stuffs happen.' "

Solomon's Other Activities

10 At the end of twenny yrs, during which Solomon maed these two hauses—the holi haus uv Ceeling Cat an teh royal scratching post-11 King Solomon gived twenvy towns in Galilee to Hiram king of Tyre, coz Hiram gave him all teh wood and gold he wanted.12 But when Hiram went from Tyre to see teh towns dat Solomon gived him, he did not have a happee.13 "Whut kindz uv towns are dese yu gived me, my bruvver?" he asked. An he called them the Land of Cabul (sounz liek Hebroo word for good for nuffing), a name dey still has.14 Now Hiram sended to teh king 120 lotses uv gold.15 Here is teh storee uv the forced anti lazee time de King Solomon used to maek Ceeling Cat's holi haus, his own scratching post, teh supporting thingies, the wall uv Jerusalem, and Hazor, Megiddo and Gezer.16 (Pharaoh king uv Egypt raided an captured Gezer. He set it on fire an timedout teh Canaanite hoomans an den gived it as wedding gift to his gurl kittie, Solomon's ladee.17 An Solomon remaeked Gezer.) He built up Lower Beth Horon,18 Baalath, and Tadmor in teh great dry place, within his land,19 as well as all his cheezburger storage an teh places for his wheely things an for his horses — whutever he wanted to maek in Jerusalem, in Lebanon an fru all teh territory he roold.20 All teh hoomans left from the Amorites, Hittites, Perizzites, Hivites an Jebusites (dese hoomans were not Israelites, sos yu know),21 dat is, dere childrens still hanging around, who teh Israelites couldn't time out — dese Solomon signed up for his anti-lazee time workers, as it is to dis day.22 But Solomon not maek slaves uv teh Israelites; dey wuz his fighting hoomans, his politick hoomans, his officers, his captains, and the commanders uv his wheely things and drivers uv teh wheely things.23 Dey wuz also teh chief hoomans in charge of Solomon's works — lots uv important hoomans watching teh other hoomans who did work.24 After Pharaoh's gurl kittie came up from teh City uv David to teh scratching pst Solomon maeked for her, he maed teh support thingies.25 Three times a year Solomon gaved burnt cheezburgers and friendz offerings on teh table he maeked for Ceeling Cat, burning catnip before Ceeling Cat wif them, an so did all the holi place stuffs.26 King Solomon also maeked floaty things at Ezion Geber, which is near Elath in Edom, on teh edge uv teh Red Sea.27 An Hiram sended his men—sailors hu knew teh wet place — to wurk in teh fleet with Solomon's hoomans.28 Dey sailed to Ophir an brought back 420 lotses uv gold, which dey giveded to King Solomon.

1 Kings 9
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