1 Kings 8

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Old Testament
Solomon bringz teh ark an stuffs to Ceiling Cat's hause

1 Solomon getted elderz of Israel an all hedz of tribez, chiefs ov dads ov kittehs of Isreal, so dey bring ark ov covenant of Ceiling Cat frm city of David.2 An all kittehs ov Israel comes to King Solomon at very yummy feast of Ethanim, sevnth mnth.3 An all teh old kittehs cames, an teh priests bringed teh ark.4 An teh priests bringed ark, an tabrnacls, an holi stuffs an all sortsa stuffs.

5 An Solomon and teh kittehs sacrificez catnips an mousez to Ceiling Cat and not eet thems.6 An priests bringed teh ark into teh oracle of teh hause (most holi plase!) undr cherub wings.7 Teh cherubs spred ther wings ovr teh ark an covrd it an keeped it safe.8 An ther were also staves that r ther still ther. Srsly.9 And OMG two big stones wer in teh ark! Moses put them ther when he got covenant wif Ceiling Cat.10 When preists were com out ov holi plase, ther was cloud. But not fart cloud, LOLZ. Wuz not smelly.11 Teh preists no could minister ther becaus of cloud. OMG! Teh glory of Ceiling Cat filled teh hause!!1!

12 Then Solomon sez, "Ceiling Cat livs in teh cloud, srsly!"

13 An then he sez, "I builded u a hause, and u lives in it."14 An Solomon gives teh kittehs cheezburgers, an teh kittehs stood.

15 An Solomon sed, "Ceiling Cat iz RLY SUPR awsume, u kno!!! He talks to my dad smtimes.16 When we lefts Egypt, I not choose tribe city. David ruled teh kittehs.17 An my dad wanted to buildz hause for Ceiling Cat.18 An Ceiling Cat sed to my dad, 'U wantz to build me a hause.19 But DO NOT WANT u to build hause. Ur son will builds teh hause, OK?'20 An I iz king an I buildz hause for Ceiling Cat.21 An I makez soopr speshul plase for ark."

Solomon's Prayer of Dedication

22 An Solomon stood at ark wif teh kittehs an he puts his paws in teh air.23 Then Solomon sed, "Ceiling Cat, ther iz no kitteh liek u in teh ceiling, or in da urfs. U keeps covenant an mercee wif servents that luv u cuz ur totalee kewl.24 You stays wif my dad an talks wif him an fulfilled stuff wif him.25 So plz Ceiling Cat, my dad can has help to keep good kittehs on throne?26 Plz to has veriffcaton? Thx.27 Da urfs no can contain Ceiling Cat. Teh holi hause not big, eithr. WOW OMG Ceiling Cat IZ HUGE!!!1!28 I makes you a prayer an I hope u lieks it:29 Plz to watch hause day n night an teh plase wif my name wher servant makes u a prayer.30 An lissen to servants when tey pray toward teh hause an forgiv them, plz to has.31 If any kitteh be's meen to other kittehs, or he sez bad stuffs, an he sez teh bad stuffs in ur hause,32 Then judge him an punish teh bad kittehs and givz cheezburgers to teh good kittehs.33 When enemies be killin our doodz becaus teh kittehs wer bad an then teh kittehs pray an needs u again,34 Heer thems an forgive them an they can has dere dads' land.35 When ceiling closes an there is no rains becaus they wer bad an tehn they pray an DO NOT WANT invisible error,36 Heers them an forgiv an teech thems teh good wai an givs them rains. But DO NOT WANT BAFF!!!37 I dere be no noms, or if kittehs has a bugs, or if enemiez be killin our doodz,38 An teh kittehs knoes these bad stuffs an they prays toward teh hause39 Heers them an forgives an gives cheezburgers to good kittehs an not to bad kittehs (U knoes who dey r)40 An dey wil feers u an lives in da land u gived them.41 An about weird doods from othr plases that lov u an wanna liv in Israel:42 (They will heer about u) When he prais toward teh hous,43 Heers it, an kitteh can has what kitteh wants.44 If our kittehs be killin their doodz an our kittehs pray to u:45 Heers them an helps them.46 If kitteh maeks invisible error (dey all do) an ur angree wif them, an gives them to teh bad doods,47 But if kitteh DO NOT WANT invisible error an repnts,48 An they reetrn to u wif dere heartz an pray,49 Heer ther praiers an helps them.50 Forgivs them an givs them compassion:51 For dey r ur kittehs, liek totlly.52 So lissen to them, plz.53 We is not same kittehs as other kittehs. We is ur favrites, Ceiling Cat."54 Then Solomon FINALY stopd praying an stood up frm teh altar.

55 An he sez to teh kittehs,56 "Cheezburgers for Ceiling Cat, becaus he givs us cheezburgers.57 Ceiling Cat iz wif us forevr. Rly.58 He helpz us luv him an be good kittehs just liek our dadz.59 An I hope Ceiling Cat iz lissening an dat he helpz Israel:60 That all teh kittehs will knoes Ceiling Cat an that ther is no other.61 Maek sure ur hart iz perfect wif Ceiling Cat an lissen to him. Kthxbai."

The Dedication of the Temple

62 An Solomon an teh kittehs gived Ceiling Cat lotsa, LOTSA sacrifices.63 Maybe they gives too much. An teh king n all teh kittehs dedicate teh hous to Ceiling Cat.64 An da same day, teh king gived Ceiling Cat lotsa more meat on a biggr plate an lotsa fat, too.

65 Then Solomon had a feest, an teh king an teh kittehs eated for forteen dayz liek OMGWTFBBQ!!!66 On eighth day kittehs go home to cat beds an La-Z-Boys an dey givs cheezburgers to teh king an they r glad what Ceiling Cat did for David an his doods.

1 Kings 8
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