1 Kings 3

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1 Kings 3
Solomon Cat Watches Judge Judy Justice While Dispensing Liquid Wisdom
D00d Solomon Cat Lukz fur Brainiac Smrtz

1 Solomon cat huwkd up wit Pharoh king cat uv Egypt an maid teh first filial femail cat dawtr uv hiz himz wief fur da boinkin. Himz boinkd hur atta CeeTee uv David until him finshd bildin himz palazz anna littrboxz uv teh Lard Cat, an teh wallz roun Jouslum, srsly datz a lotta sirus boinkin an himz peniz getz tyrd butt nawt fallov.2 Butt da peepz wer still bietin heds orffa chiknz anna sackafiecin atta toppa hilz N sutch, cuz no catz maid big littrboxz fur teh Lard Cat yet soz derz lotsa Lard Cat poopz onna grownd instedda inna box wit da niez smellie catz littr.3 Soz Solomon showd hiz hrd peniz to teh Lard Cat an walkd wit himz styff tayl inna air liek judge judy sed himz shud liek himz dadacatz David did, ceptin himz awferd ta biet heds orffa chiknz an ta birnded insensez on toppa hilz N sutch.

4 King cat gon to Gibeon to awferd sackafiecin anna chiknz hed bietin orf, fer taht wuz mostest portint toppa hilz N sutch plaze, an Solomon cat awferd a towsand birnded chikn hedz onna altar.5 At Gibeon teh Lard Cat wuz in Solomon catz hed (Solomon cat wuz delusional cat on LDS liek all uv demz hip gaiz bak den), an Ceiling Cat sed, "WTF YOUSE WANT FRUM ME?"

6 Solomon cat, himz dreamin on LDS, sed, "Youse bin niez to mah bootlikn dadacatz, David, cuz him showz youse himz peniz an walkd wit himz styff tayl inna air. Youbin gud sum mor an gibbin himz niez boy kittn to sitz onna himz toilet seat liek today. Srsly.

7 "Meow, Ow Lard Cat mah Ceiling Cat, Ai iz der bootlikn king cat inna plaze uv dadacatz David. Butt Ai iz justa widdle kittn an donna nose howta dance laik da big cat dancez.8 Yer bootlikr iz here in da middL uv teh catz youse piked out fer yerselfz, wez riel niez catz too, an derz way too mani uv uz cats fer da cowntin.9 Soz gimme a break liek to meh, da bootlikr, an lettuz see riet stuffz to duz instedda rong stuffs to duz. Tellmez, sidez meh, whoz gunna be yer main cat d00d dat kin duz da stuffz dat youse needz doin? WTF, Srsly?"

10 An Lard Cat wuz smilin taht Solomon cat yammrd fur diz stuffz so nawt shellfishly.11 Soz Ceiling Cat sez, "Cuz youse wantd dis stuffz anna nawt vampire livin orda joolz anna guld N krapy W^L*M^RT stuffz fur youse own, anna youse nawt askded fer meh 2 killz yer dumazz enimaz but watchd episodz uv judge judy,12 Aiz gunna duz watchoo askz fer. Ai gibz youse brainiac sizd brain inna hed anna niez blud tikker, soz taht der nawt evva gunna be da niez gaiz liek youse, srsly evva. Ai meanz itz, srsly.13 Anna nuddr ting, Ai gunna gibz you all da W^L*M^RT stuffz anna joolz ta boot soz youse gunna be teh Catz uv da Walk type king uv catz wit a reeeeeel big styff tayl anna reeeeel niez peniz laik no uddr catz haz.14 An iffn youse walkd wit youse styff tayl inna air an watchez judge judy liek youse dadacatz David, Ai gibs you da loooooong vampire livin fo freebee. Naw watcher meowin bout dat?"15 Den Solomon cat woke frum da LDS—an himz nose hebe havin delusions laik all dem riel hip gaiz bak den. Himz gobak 2 Jouslum, stud inna middl uv da Lard Catz littrboxz, scratchd round, bit teh hedz orffa sum birnded chiknz an showd himz real niez peniz to da uddr fella catz. Tehn himz fed alla catz niez kibbl an warm milk.

Da Brainiacz R00lz

16 Naw cumz da storie tyme wen 2 mattrez-hag hookaz wimmin cum to da king cat anna standed der an yammerd atz him.17 Onna uv demz mattrez-hag hookaz sed, "Oh Hai gud lukkin king cat wit da reeeeel niez peniz anna styff tayl, diz here ho-bagz livvin wit me inna same crashpadz. Ai getz nokked up frum da illeegl jynaseckz anna hadz diz kittn wen shez livvin wit mez.18 Onna turd dayz aftr mah kittnz poppd outta mez jyna, diz here hag alzo hadda jynaseckz kittn 2, no liez. We wuz lone anna no catz wuz der butt uz 2, srsly."

19 "Den atta niet timez, diz here hooka-hagz boy kittn getz dedr den ded cuz she rollz her fat azz onna himz punk azz soz dat shez skwishd him liek sawft catz poo.20 Soz shez gettin up inna niet timez an takded mien kittn frum youse bestest niezest bootlikenest sweetest hag-ho wyle Aiz nappin an keptd him fur herz own. Shez maid himz eated cheeze milk frum her big mellunz an putz her dedr den ded kittn onna mah own cheeze mellunz.21 Wehn I wokez up frum nappin, I seez diz dedr den ded kittn—did Ai tellz ya himz dedr den ded?! Butt den Ai lookded reeeel cloze-laik an seez him nawt mah kittnz dat popped outta mah jyna."

22 Den teh udder mattrez-hag-hooka-ho sed, "No! Diz livin one is mah kittn boyyo; dat flat-soft-skwished ded 1 iz yorz." Butt teh firs ho yammrd, "Naw! Dedziz yorz; livvin onez mien." Dey yammrd an yammrd an hadda Catfight! riet der in frunt uv da king cat.23 King cat sed, "U yammrz, 'Diz livin one is mah kittn boyyo anna dedonz yorz,' anna uddr ho-bag yammrz, 'Diz livin one is mah kittn boyyo anna dedonz yorz,' Sheesh youse ho-hag catz dun gibbn meh a biiiiig hedake anna biiiiig softy peniz."

24 Den da king cat getz boltz uv litenin inniz brainiac azz himz skratchz round inniz littrboxz. Him sez, "Getz me a big-azz pointy cheezebrgrz...naw, wait youse catz, getz me a big-azz pointy sord. Heh-heh, juz kiddn." Soz tehy bringim a big-azz pointy sord fur da king catz.25 Den him sed in big boomin voyce-liek: "CUT DAT CHEEZEBRGRZ KITTN INTA 2 BIET-SIZD PEECEZ ANNA GIB ONE BIET 2 EACH YAMMRN MATTREZ-HAG-JYNASECKZ-HOOKA-HO!!! SRSLY D00DZ, LIEK RIET FRIGGN NAW!!"26 Teh catwomn whoz kittn wuz libbin yammrz anna meowz anna sez to da king cat, "Yo! Datz nawt riet, my lard cat, Ida radder youse gibbit to dat cow-hag stedda me eated dat biet-sizd peece! Donna choppn himz up cuz Ai nawtz hungry cat riet now!" Butt uddr hag-ho cat sez, "Webe eated kittnbrgrz toniet! Chopper up da cheezekittn cuz diz Iz hungry cat! Meow. Anna I gotz jarz uv mayo anna relizh hier too. Anna kold beerz."

27 Tehn king cat givz his judge judy speetch: "DAT FIRS HO-HAG GETZ DA KITTN. DONT YOUSE GAIZ CHOPPIM UP INTA BIET-SIZD KITTNBRGRZ; DATZ DA RIET JYNASECKZ HO-MUDDR."

28 Wehn olive Itzreal? herd da judge judy speetch dat king cat sed, dey sed "Whoopdeedoo!!", cuz dey seez king cat had big woppin brainiac judge judy brain frum Ceiling Cat...anna reeeeel niez peniz 2. K, thnkzbai.

1 Kings 3
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