1 Kings 20

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Old Testament
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Ahab Defeetz teh Syrians

1 Nao Ben-Hadad teh king uv Syria gahterd all him forecs togetha; tirty-two kings wuz wif him, wif tanks an Humvees. An he wen an beseegd Samaria, an maed war aganst it.2 Den him sen messengarz into teh citeh to Ahab teh king uv Israel, an sed to him, "Thus sez Ben-Hadad:3 'Yur moneez iz mien; yur hawtest wievs an dauwterz iz mien.'"

4 An teh king uv Israel sed, "Yu can has wut yuz wantz. Jsut doan hurt meh, plz."

5 Den teh messengarz caem bak an sed, "Thus sez Ben-Hadad, 'Indeed I has sen to yu an sez, "Yur moneez, yur wievz, an yur kiddehz iz mein";6 but dis I will sen mai servuntz to yu tomorro at abut dis tiem, an dey will surch yur houes an teh houesz uv yur servuntz. An dey will taek all dat dey see dat dey liek.'"

7 An so Ahab wuz all liek, "OH NOEZ!!1!" an calld up all teh eldahs uv teh land an sed, "HALP!!! Dis man is a bullee, fer him wantz mai wievz, mai kiddehz, an mai moneez, an I no sez noez to him."

8 An all teh eldahz an the ppl sed to him, "LOL yu stoopid n00b. Tell him noez, an no lissen to him. Duh."

9 Derefur him sed to teh messengarz uv Ben-Hadad, "Tell mai lord teh king, 'All dat yu sen fer yur servunt teh first tiem ai will do, but I no can doez dis.'" An teh messangerz departd an brot bak werd to him.

10 Den Ben-Hadad sen to him an sed, "Teh gods do so to meh, an moer also, if enuf dust iz left uv Samaria fer a hadnful fer each uv teh ppl who follo meh."

11 So teh king uv Israel sed, "Tell him, 'Let not teh one who puts on him aromr bowst liek teh one who taekz it off.'"

12 An wen Ben-Hadad herd dis messuge, as him an teh kingz wer drikning at der HQ, dat him sed to him servunts, "Git redy." An dey gotz redy to attak teh citeh.

13 Suddenlee a proffet approachd Ahab king uv Israel an sed, "Thus sez Ceiling Cat: 'Oh hai. Yu can has seen teh big armee outsied? Behold, Ai will put it in yur hadn, an yu will knowz dat Iz Ceiling Cat.'"

14 So Ahab sed, "Bai whom?" An him sed, "Ceiling Cat sez, 'Bai teh yung leedurs uv teh provincz.'" Den him sed, "Who will preparez fer battel?" An him answurd, "Yu. Duh."

15 Den him mustard teh yung leedurs uv teh provincz, an dere were two hundred an tirty-two; an aeftr dem him mustard all teh ppl of Israel--seven tousand.

16 So dey wen out at noon. Meanwhilz Ben-Hadad an teh tirty-two kingz halping him were gettin dronk at der HQ.17 Teh yung leedurz uv teh provincz wen out furst. An Ben-Hadad sen out a patrol, an dey telled him, "Men iz coeming out uv Samaria!"18 So him sed, "If dey can has coem out fer peece or fer war, taek dem aliev."

19 Den deez yung leedurz uv teh provincz wen out uv teh citeh wif teh armeh dat folowed dem.20 An eech one pwnd him man; so teh Syrians ran, an Israel ran afetr dem; an Ben-Hadad teh king uv Syria grabbeded a Humvee an tuk off wif teh otha Humvees an tankz.21 Den teh king uv Israel wen out an pwnd teh tankz an Humvees, an killd teh Syrians wif a grate slawtr.

22 An teh proffet caem to teh king uv Israel an sed to him, "Go to teh gym an be strongend up; an prepair yurselvz, fer coem spring teh king uv Syria will be bak fer moar trubl."

Teh Syrians Getz Pwnd Agan

23 Den teh servunts uv teh king uv Syria sed, "Der godz iz teh godz uv teh hillz. Derfur dey wuz strongr dan us; but if we fite dem in teh plainz, den we can pwnz dem.24 So tell dem kingz to GTFO, an put capitanz in der plaecz;25 an maek a nu armeh liek teh one yu lost, tank fer tank, Humvee fer Humvee. Den we can fite dem in teh plinz; shurily we can pwnz dem." An teh king uv Syria wuz all liek, "Kthnx," an did so.

26 So, in teh spring uv teh yar, Ben-Hadad gotz his armeh uv Syrians an wen to Aphek to fite aganst Israel.27 An teh childrun uv Israel were mustard an gived fud an waetr an stuf, an dey wen off aganst dem. Nao teh childrun uv Israel in frunt uv where teh Syrians were wuz liek two littel kittenz, whiel teh Syrians were liek 23-inch-waist-cat.

1 Kings 20
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