1 Kings 16

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Old Testament

1 Den Ceiling Cat speke was hurd by Jehu son of Baasha, and he sez:2 I taked yuz from teh carpets and maked yuz Big Kitteh of Israel, and yuz wuz liek Jeroboam, bein all bad an stuff makin dem bad kittehs, an so yuz makin me mad.3 So nowz Iz gonna make Baasha an his sofa get noes noms, an also yuz sofa gonna be liek Jeroboams (it has no noms).4 If you go to Ceiling Cat on Baashas sofa, yuz get eeted by dogz, an if yuz die on carpet, yuz et eeted by burds. verse

5 Iz end of Baasha.6 Hez get put in Tirzah, and he gots a son Elah who gets to be nex Big Kitteh. verse

7 Jehu herd Ceiling Cat speke bad fings abowt his dad an his sofa becuz of his Invisible Errors an makin him angry an him bein liek Jeroboam, hoo did bad fings, an becuz he gots killd. verse


Elah Big Kitteh uv Israel

8 Big Kitteh Asa of Judah been Big Kitteh 26 yrs wen Elah becums big kitteh of Israel. verse

9 Zimri, Elahs weely-cart kitteh, cheetd him big-time wen he wuz drunk wif too much lickers.10 Zimri killz Elah next yr an becums Big Kitteh. verse

11 Zimri first kills evry1 on Baashas sofa, an evry1 who liekd Baasha, an evun peepul hoo pisst on Baashas carpet.12 Zimri kills dem awl.13 He kills dem becuz dey all make Invisible Errors an did bad fings and maked Ceiling Cat angry. verse

14 An dis all we say bout Elah. Srsly. verse

Zimri Big Kitteh uv Israel

15 Nowz Zimri been big kitteh 7 daiz, an peepul wuz livin too close to Gibbethon, wich bilong to teh Philistines.16 Whan Israelites heer Zimri kill Big Kitteh, dey iz makin Omri, Big Fitin Kitteh, into regular Big Kitteh.17 Omri an herds of Israelites go fitin.18 Zimri sets palace on fire.19 An now Zimri dies becuz of his Invisible Error an bein too much liek Jeroboam. verse

20 Dis all we sez abowt Zimri. Teh endz0rs. verse

Omri Big Kitteh uv Israel

21 Den Israel wuz in too roomz: sum want Tibni for Big Kitteh, an sum want Omri.22 Omni can has bigger army wif sharper claws? Omri iz Big Kitteh. verse

23 Omni rulez for twelf yeers.24 Omri can has sofa of Samaria? Yup, he bais and bilds big pillow city. verse

25 Den Omri make Invisible Error, big time.26 D00dz, he does all teh bad fings Jeroboam did, prain to iduls an makin Ceiling Cat angry. verse

27 Dis all we sai about Omri. endz0rs.28 Teh son of Omri is name Ahab, and he becumz Big Kitteh. verse

Naow Ahab Big Kitteh uv Israel

29 Dis in year 38 of Asa bein Big Kitteh of Judah. Omri is Big Kitteh 22 yeers.30 Ahab make even biggr Invisible Error.31 He did all the Errors dat Jeroboam did, an also marryin Jezebel and prain to Baal.32 He makes big cheezburger grill to Baal in his new sofa citee an prais to it.33 Dis make Ceiling Cat reeeelleeee angry. verse

34 At same time, Hiel of Bethel rebilds Jericho. Dis not related to story at all. Ceilign Cat still angry at Ahab. Teh end. verse

1 Kings 16
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