1 Kings 12

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Teh Revult Aganst Rehoboam

1 An Rehoboam wen to Shechem, fer all uv Israel wen to Shechem to maek him king.2 So eet happend dat Jeroboam teh son uv Nebat herd abot eet (him was still in Egypt becaues him wuz hidin frum Solomon dere)3 dat dey sen taxicab fer him to coem bak. Den Jeroboam an teh hole assembleh uv Israel caem an spoek to Rehoboam an sed,4 "Yur daddeh maed ar yoek hevy; nao, liten teh burdensum service uv yur daddeh, an him hevy yoek dat him put on us, an we will servez yu."

5 So him sed to dem, "Go awai fer tree days, den coem bak to meh." An teh ppl left.

6 Den King Rehoboam axed teh old ppl who stood befoer him daddeh Solomon befoer he wuz ded, "Oh hai. I can has gud answer fer dese peeps?"7 An dey sed, "If yu can has ruel uv dese peeps, yu msut be a servunt to dem, an answer dem, an sai gud werds to dem, den dey willz be yur servunts ferevah."

8 But him rejcetd teh advice dat teh old peeps gaev him, and axed him childhud peeps,9 "Wut adviec do yu giev? Wut do ai tell dem peeps who sai, 'Liten teh yoek yur daddeh put on us?'"10 Him childhud peeps sed, "You can has tellz dem, 'Mai littel fingah can has be thickr dan mai daddeh's waist!11 An mai daddeh put a hevy yoek on yu, ai will addz to yur yoek; mai daddeh hit yu wif whips, I be hittin yu wif scougres!"

12 So Jeroboam an all teh ppl caem to Rehoboam teh tird dai, as teh king told dem, "Yu can coem bak on teh tird day."13 Den teh king answer dem ruffly, an rejeckted teh adviec uv teh old peeps dat sevrd him daddeh;14 an him spoek to dem liek him childhud peeps can toldz him to, "An mai daddeh put a hevy yoek on yu, ai will addz to yur yoek; mai daddeh hit yu wif whips, I be hittin yu wif scougres!"15 So teh king no lissen to teh peeps; fer teh turn uv evetnz was frum Ceiling Cat, dat Ceiling Cat mite keep Him werd, wich Ceiling Cat sed thru Ahijah teh Shilonite to Jeroboam teh son uv Nebat.

16 Nao wen all Israel saw dat teh king no lissen to dem, dey sed to teh king: "WTF? Where our shaer uv cookies frum David? We no can has inheritunce in teh son uv Jesse. To yur tents, O Israel! Nao, see to yur own houes, O David!" So Israel wen bak hoem to dere sofaz.17 But Rehoboam rueled ovah teh chidlrn uv Israel who lievd in teh citehz uv Judah.

18 Den King Rehoboam sent Adoram teh taxman to collect tacksez, but all Israel pwnd him wif der handguns, an he wuz ded. Srsly. Derefoer King Rehoboam hopped in him car an droev rael fast to Jerusalem.19 So Israel can has been in rebelyun aganst teh houes uv David to dis dai.

20 Nao it caem to pass wen all uv Israel herd dat Jeroboam had coem bak, dey sent taxi to brign him to teh congregatchun, an maed him king uv all uv Israel. Dere wuz noen who followd teh houes uv David, but teh trieb uv Judah onleh.

21 An wen Rehoboam caem to Jerusalem, him gahterd all teh houes uv Judah wif teh trieb uv Benjamin, one hundred an eighteh thousand choesn d00ds who were warriurs, to fite aganst teh houes uv Israel, dat him mite restoer teh kingdum to Rehoboam teh son uv Solomon.22 But teh word uv Ceiling Cat caem to Shemaiah teh d00d uv Ceiling Cat, and sed,23 "Oh hai! Yu can tellz Rehoboam teh son uv Solomon, teh king uv Judah, to all teh houes uv Judah an Benjamin, an to teh rest uv teh peeps, sezin,24 'Thus sez Ceiling Cat: "Yu no can fites yur own peeps, kthnx. Go awai to yur hoems, becaues dis is Mai doing. Srsly."'" Derefoer dey lissened to teh werd uv Ceiling Cat an went hoem like Ceiling Cat sed to do.

Jeroboam's Goldun MooCow-Babiez

25 Den Jeroboam bilt Shechem in teh mountuns uv Ephraim, an lievd dere. Also him wen out frum dere an bilt Penuel.26 An Jeroboam sed in him haert, "Nao teh kingdum mai go bak to teh houes uv David:27 If dese peeps go to offah catnipz in teh houes uv Ceiling Cat at Jerusalem, den teh haert uv dis peeps will turn bak to dere lord, Rehoboam king uv Judah, an dey will pwn me an go bak to him. DO NOT WANT!!!"

28 Derefoer teh king axed adviec, maed two babee moo-cowz uv gold, an sed to teh ppl, "Iz too much to axe yu to driev to Jerusalem. Here iz yur gods, O Israel, dat droev yu frum Egypt!"29 An him set up one in Bethel, an teh othur in Dan.30 Nao dis ting becaem an invisible error, fer teh ppl wen to worship teh babee moo-cowz as far as Dan.31 He maed shirnez on teh hi-spotz, an maed priestz frum evereh class uv ppl, who were no sons uv Levi.

32 Jeroboam calleded fer a feast on teh fifteenth dai uv teh eighth munth, liek teh feast dat wuz in Judah, an offurd cheezburgerz on teh altar. Him did dis at Bethel, maeking cheezburgerz fer teh babee moo-cowz dat he maed.33 So him did all dis in teh munth dat him devizd dis in him own haert to keep teh ppl frum goed bak to Rehoboam.

1 Kings 12
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