1 Chronicles 5

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Reuben (Not teh sandwich)

1 Teh doods ov Reuben (not gud az cheezburger tho LOL) wuz supposta hav next monorail to Izreel, but Reuben snoozd all day on daddeh's pillo and missted it. So den Josefs peepz pwnt teh monorail, an even teh noozpaperz wer all liek OMGWTFBBQ!1!!!2 But Jooda sed his doodz has a tuff (liek ninja cat srsly!), but all his base are rly belongded too josef...OH NOES!3 An Reuben (u noes...teh Owlcat of Izreel!1) maeded more sammiches, and he callded tehm Hanoch, Pallu, Hezron, and Carmi. But tehy not as gud as Reuben, an deffntetly not NOM liek cheezburger!!1!4 Den dis d00d Joel hazded kittehs too, an he callded tehm Shemaiah, Gog, an Shimei (OMFG DARTH VAEDRZ MOM!!!1!eleven!)5 and tehn anothr littr omg!6 But anywaez tehy namded wun of dem Beerah, an he becomded teh Owlcat of teh Reubenzez. So evrywun wuz liek "Budwaizr an sammich?!?! OM NOM NOM SRSLY!!1!". Den tihs peep Tigger-Pilsner sed he wantd noms too...so he stealded teh Beerah d00d frm teh Reubenzez. o noes!7 Their relativez by clanz, listd accordin 2 their genealogical recordz: Jeiel teh chief, zechariah,8 An bela son ov azaz, teh son ov shema, teh son ov joel. They settld in da area frum aror 2 nebo an baal meon.9 2 teh east they occupid teh land up 2 teh edge ov teh desert dat extendz 2 teh eufratez rivr, cuz their livestock had increasd in gilead.10 Durin sauls reign they wagd war against teh hagritez, hoo wuz defeatd at their hanz; they occupid teh dwellings ov teh hagritez throughout teh entire region east ov gilead.

Gad

11 Teh gaditez livd next 2 them in bashan, as far as salecah:12 Joel wuz teh chief, shafam teh second, den janai an shafat, in bashan.13 Their relativez, by familiez, wuz: Michael, meshullam, sheba, jorai, jacan, zia an ebr—7 in all.14 Thees wuz teh sons ov abihail son ov huri, teh son ov jaroah, teh son ov gilead, teh son ov michael, teh son ov jeshishai, teh son ov jahdo, teh son ov buz.15 Ahi son ov abdiel, teh son ov guni, wuz head ov their pplz.16 Teh gaditez livd in gilead, in bashan an itz outlyin villagez, an on all teh pasturelandz ov sharon as far as they extendd.17 All thees wuz enterd in da genealogical recordz durin teh reigns ov jotham king ov judah an jeroboam king ov israel.18 Teh reubenitez, teh gaditez an teh half-tribe ov manaseh had 44,760 doodz ready 4 military service - able-bodid doodz hoo cud handle shield an sword, hoo cud use bow, an hoo wuz traind 4 battle.19 They wagd war against teh hagritez, jetur, nafish an nodab.20 They wuz helpd in fightin them, an ceilin cat handd teh hagritez an all their alliez ovar 2 them, cuz they crid out 2 him durin teh battle. He anzwerd their prayers, cuz they trustd in him.21 They seizd teh livestock ov teh hagrite - fifty thousand camels, 2 hundrd fifty thousand sheep an 2 thousand donkeys. They also took wan hundrd thousand peeps captiv,22 Sn lotz da others fell slain, cuz teh battle wuz ceilin cats. An they occupid teh land til teh exile.

Teh half-tribe ov manaseh

23 teh peeps ov teh half-tribe ov manaseh wuz numerous; they settld in da land frum bashan 2 baal hermon, dat iz, 2 senir (mount hermon).24 Thees wuz teh headz ov their familiez: efr, ishi, eliel, azriel, jeremiah, hodaviah an jahdiel. They wuz brave warriors, famous doodz, an headz ov their familiez.25 Butt they wuz unfaithful 2 teh ceilin cat ov their fathers an prostitutd themselvez 2 teh godz ov teh peoplez ov teh land, whom ceilin cat had destroyd before them.26 So teh ceilin cat ov israel stirrd up teh spirit ov pul king ov assyria (dat iz, tiglath-pilesr king ov assyria), hoo took teh reubenitez, teh gaditez an teh half-tribe ov manaseh into exile. He took them 2 halah, habor, hara an teh rivr ov gozan, wer they r 2 dis dai.

Teh Footnote

  • a - 1 chroniclez 5:6 hebrew tilgath-pilnesr , variant ov tiglath-pilesr ; also in verse 26
1 Chronicles 5
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