1 Chronicles 21

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Old Testament

1 Teh sayten wuz up in Izrayl's way n david wuz all "Oh noes !!1!" Sew david thoughted "How many doodz r der ?"2 Den he all getz hiz peepz n sez "Sayten will pwn us ! Do not want ! Go count all teh doodz frum teh bazemunt 2 teh rooth."3 So teh dood Joab sez "Ceiling Cat can maeked moar doodz. Liek all teh doodz. Y need 2 count if dey is all Ceiling Cat's peepz ?"4 But david wuz all l33t wen Joab wuz liek a n00b, so he went aut n counted. "Dis lil kitteh went 2 market, dis lil kitteh stayed hom..."5 Den liek Joab wuz all "The bazemunt n da howz haz liek a millun lolcatz wif sharp claws, n teh rooth haz haffa millun lolcatz wif sharp teef."6 But dat wuzn't all teh lolcatz cuz Joab didn't luk in teh closets or teh alley cuz he uz a sleepee lolcat. 7 Dis wuz unkewl beneath Ceiling Cat, n he wuz all liek "H4X !!1!eleven!!!"8 So davd wuz liek "Ack, mah iz a bad kitteh, srsly. I can has forgiveness ?"9 Ceiling Cat sed to one of davd's peepz, but not davd, cuz he wuz all mad,10 "Youze tell him, n u tell him gud, dat Ceiling Cat will let him chuze his doom."11 Den hiz peep sed to davd "Iz has gud nooz n iz bad nooz. Gud nooz i you can has a choyse uf tree opshuns. Teh bad nooz iz dey iz all bad opshuns."12 Teh opshuns wer tree yerz uf no cheezburgerz, tree munths uf doggz chewin on all teh lolcats, or tree daze of a pizzed off Ceiling Cat wif hiz doodz all up in yur bizness.13 Den david wuz all liek "Oh noes !!1! If teh doggz cum n gank my peepz der will be no luv. Teh Ceiling Cat haz teh mersea n he will liek go eaze on mah." 14 Den teh Ceiling Cat was liek "Gank !" n a buncha lolcatz dieded frum teh furballz.15 N he sended teh emo cat 2 maek all teh lolcatz sad n stuff. But den teh Ceiling Cat saw all teh lolcats crying n mewing n he wuz liek "Do not want !1!!" Cuz teh emo cat wuz makin the lil lolkittehs crai.16 David fainully noticed teh emo cat makin wif teh tears n all teh kittehs wif teh sad sadnuss. Den david n all teh wize lolcats fell down liek sum1 had used 2 much floor polish.17 David wuz all liek "O Ceiling Cat, y u gotz to make mah kittehs sad n dai n stuff ? I wuz teh 1 hoo wuz teh bad kitteh. Dees lolcats r gud kittehs, did dey maek u cookiez n eated dem ? No, it wuz me who maeked u mad. Gimmme teh bad flavor." 18 Den teh emo cat tellz david to liek maeked teh cookie for teh Ceiling Cat, but not eated it.19 Den david calld teh bestest chefs 2 maek teh cookie for teh Ceiling Cat.20 But teh lolkittehs in teh kitchen saw teh emo cat n ran n hid cuz dey did not want teh bad flavor.21 Den teh lolkittehs saw teh david n dey were all liek "woot."22 N david sez 2 teh kittehs "Youse has a nice kichen. Gimme teh kichen for teh kookin uf teh cookies."23 So teh kittehs wer liek "Anything to maek teh emo cat 2 leaf us !" N dey evn gaved teh choclet chipz 4 teh cookie.24 But david was liek "Doodz, yur mkin mah look bad."25 N he gived teh kittehs a foine box 2 play in. 26 Den david had teh bestst cooks maek teh fanseest cookie wif drk choclte chipz n fancy ngreediyenz. N teh Ceiling Cat wuz so happy he maed teh stove heat up wif no preheatin.27 Den teh emo cat went to a neerbai poetry slam.28 N davd wuz all liek "O Ceiling Cat, th4nx 4 stoppin teh pwnage."29 Dey totally would've gone 2 tank tehCeiling Cat in persun, but he wuz readin poetry.30 N teh lolcats did not want 2 c teh emocat no moar.

1 Chronicles 21
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