1 Chronicles 18

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Old Testament
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David pwnzors all dem uddr kittehs

1 So den David totally pwnzored teh Philistines an him taked Gath an teh othr towns from teh Philistines.2 Den David beated dem Mabites 2, an him maked dem his slaevs an maked dem gives him cheesburgrs.3 An den, David goed to Hamath to gets all teh plas on teh Euphrates River, an him fited teh CatLord ov Zobah, Hadadezer.4 So David beated him to, an taked 28000 cheesburgrs! TOTALLY AWSUM D00D! Den he kiled sum horses.5 But den, teh Arameans of Damascus wats to helps Hadadezer, but David wuz liek, NO, cuz dey wer totally not gud fr him, so he maked 22000 ded.6 Den he maked all teh Arameans give him cheesburgrs 2, an teh Ceiling Cat maked David win everfing everwer. Srsly.

7 So David takes deez gold sheelds frum Hadadezer, cuz he beated him so he cood, an he taked dem to Jerusalem.8 An, he taked liek a gajillion pownds of bronze frum deez towns Tebah an Cun, an Solomon maked stuf wit dem.

9 Wen teh CatLord ov Hamath, hooz name wuz Tou, herd dat David wun,10 he telled his sun Hadoram to go der, an Hadoram wuz liek, yu wer totally awsum, kthxby. O, an he gived him sum cheesburgrs.

11 Den David gived all dat stuf to teh Ceiling Cat, liek he did wif stuf frum Edom an Moab, teh Ammonites an teh Philistines, an Amalek. Cuz teh Ceiling Cat, iz, liek rly awsum.

12 Abishai, hoo wuz teh sun ov Zeruiah, killed 18000 Edomite peeps in teh Valley of Salt.13 Den he maked all teh Edomite peeps David peeps. An teh Ceiling Cat maked Davin win everyfing everywer. Srsly.

Teh kittehs ov David

14 So David wuz rulin all ov Israel, an he gived all teh peeps cheesburgrs, cuz he wuz rly c00l.15 Joab, hooz fadr wuz Zeruiah, wuz rulin teh armys; Jehoshaphat, hooz dad wuz Ahilud, rote stuf down;16 Zadok, teh sun ov Ahitub an Ahimelech, teh sun ov Abiathar, wer teh priests; an Shavsha wuz teh secretary;17 Benaiah, teh sun ov Jehoiada, wuz teh rulr ov teh Kerethites an teh Pelethites; an teh suns of David wur teh rulrs ov al teh uddr kittehs.

1 Chronicles 18
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